Helen B Steele Diary in pdf format

The Diary of Helen Burden Steele


After 130 years a diary of Helen B. Steele returned to Epsom. Written starting January 1, 1881, the year she turned 21, it contains her day by day experiences while living in the McClary house with her family. She was the daughter of Michael McClary Steele and Catherine Burden. Four years later she would marry Dr. Benjamin Barstow.

Saturday, January 1, 1881
Today begins another year. It has been a very sad day to me. Papa has been drinking and was like an insane person. Mamma is sick and worn out. I felt about sick and Aunt M has been very trying. I did not feel badly to bid the old year our long farewell for it was a perplexing year to me. Although there has been many pleasant things there has been things I wish never had happened. The last of the year was the pleasanter to me. I pray God for help to make this new year a pleasanter and more forgetta+ble one and that I may be able to help my parents who have done as much for me.
Sunday, January 2. 1881
Philley and I attended church and listened to rather a dull sermon from Paul's epistle to the Romans 3 chap 9 verse "Have to win Christ." To win Him we should follow in his footsteps, profit by his example and overcome our faults as far as we can, show charity to all, forgive our enemies and trust Him faithfully. I have been tired and gloomy all day and the day has not been pleasant. In the evening wrote to Augusta , Helen and Palmer. I would give anything to see and have a good talk with him. I always feel better if I can talk with him.

Monday, January 3, 1881
Was sick and in my room all day, suffered not only from pain but depression of spirits. Papa was crazy from drinking cider. Momma was not well and it made me feel dreadfully to see her working and be able to do nothing for her. I long to hear from the office for I think I shall hear from my dear one tonight.

Tuesday, January 4, 1881
Nothing out of the common occurred. I went down stairs about noon, and helped pass the time for Mr. B~ by playing checkers with him. Read some and tried to sew but could not. Sent two papers to Grandma. Did not hear from P~. I fear he is ill for he has always been prompt unless he had some good excuse.

Wednesday, January 5, 1881
Was a dismal stormy day. I can not write at all. Nothing unusual occurred and I do not feel like writing. P~ does not write yet. I wonder what is the reason.

Thursday, January 6, 1881
Went to ride, did the errands. Saw Walter Burnham and he told me Aunt Eunice was quite sick, so I drove up to see her and found her quite ill and feeling badly. Mamma and I drove up toward evening and carried her some medicine. It was a beautiful evening the moon was very bright and the snow glistened like diamonds, the sleighing was good and we had a lovely ride. I hope Aunt E~ will be better soon. Mr. Cilley brought a cow for us to keep until June.

Friday, January 7, 1881
Helped about the work as usual. In the afternoon, went to the office with Mr. Brown. Was a beautiful day.

Saturday, January 8, 1881
Was pleasant but cold. Aunt M~ and I worked all the morning. I sewed in the p.m. and called to see F~ Wallace. I was surprised to find him so much changed. I hardly think I should have recognized him had I met him on the street. Went to the office with Mr. B. in the evening. Mr. B. tried to convince me that Venus was Sirius but failed to do so much to his disgust. Papa is drunk as usual.

Sunday, January 9, 1881
Went to church and heard Mr. Avery, found him quite interesting. Walter Burnham came to me after services and said Uncle Henry was ill with lung fever and they wanted Mamma and me to come up as soon as we could. We went immediately up and found him quite sick. Spent the evening with Mr. C~. Ben Freeze came to the lane with me for he thought I would be afraid but poor soul I should be more afraid of him than anything if I did not know him. But it was very kind of him. Mr. Cilley was here and Papa was drunk.

Monday, January 10, 1881
The most severe storm we have had came last night. Today I was very busy and did not mind the inclemency of the weather. Fixed my brown dress which once belonged to Hattie but the dear girl has gone where she cares not for her earthly possessions and I almost wish I were with her. Life looks pretty hard to me now but the sun may shine before I know it and I have dear Palmer to look to for love and comfort. I wonder if there is a letter for me at the office he must have written before this. The storm has ceased and the moon and stars shine brightly Oh that I could do something to lighten Mamma burden and make the remainder of her life happy.

Tuesday, January 11, 1881
Every thing is covered with snow the sun shines brightly on the snow-covered trees and makes a beautiful picture, how lovely the winter is in the country and how pure the snow is compared with the city's covered with dust and dirt and ground up into meal. If home were what it should be I could not be happier but this dreadful contagonism is terrible and to spend one's life surrounded by uncongenial people can not be better than the place call(ed) hell. About ten they brokeout the roads when I see the earth ploughing through the snow it reminds me of the picture in Snow Bound. They had nine jokes this morning. Hid ___t l__r from the hill.
[unreadable in margin].

Wednesday, January 12, 1881

Was a beautiful day. Aunt M~ and I went up to see Uncle H~ she thought him very ill and looked like a consumptive but we must (make) allowance for her over anxious feelings and hope for brighter things. It would be a dreadful loss should he be taken, Another prep would be give(n). Went to the depot for Aunt M~. Mr. Avery gave me a Sunday School paper to have the lessons and attend Sun. Sch. It proved to be colder than we thought when we started and Aunt M~ was dreadfully afraid she would take cold. Have not heard from P~ yet. I know he must be sick for he has never waited so long before. Papa was drunk.

Thursday, January 13, 1881
I wanted to go on the hill but Mamma thought it best to wait until tomorrow. I spent the p.m. with Mrs. Chesley and had a very pleasant time. I learned the cause of P's silence. The poor boy has sore eyes and can neither read nor write and has been obliged to suspend his school. I hope he will be careful not to use his eyes too soon for they are not very strong any way. Walter brought me home. I have not seen him since he went away. I sewed in the evening and read "Henry James" Bundle of Letters.

Friday, January 14, 1881
Was a stormy day; it rained then snowed and this evening has come off cold. I had one of my miserable headaches and had to spend my p.m. on the sofa. I felt provoked for I intended to fit my sack but we all have to submit to circumstances and we might as well do it pleasantly and without grumbling. As it stormed we could not go on the hill. It is a very bad night. Nathan is here and I fear there will be more drinking than will be agreeable for the household.

Saturday, January 15, 1881
It has been a beautiful day. Mr. Brown started off before any of us were down save Papa. He went before sunrise and with no breakfast. It seems very hard that such an old man should be so homeless and alone with a daughter and son living. I went to the store and the office. Mr. B. had been to the office but had gone. Abbott L~ came over and did the chores as Papa was ill with a dreadful cold: and from drinking last night. Mr. B. came back about half past nine.

Sunday, January 16, 1881
Did not go to church as Papa was not well and Mr. B~ was not up in time to harness. Mama and I went on the hill and found Uncle H~ much improved. After supper I went down to see Mrs. Chesley found her alone in the twilight - it was quiet and peaceful there. Walter Cofran brought me home. It was a beautiful moon light evening. We all sat in Aunt M's room in the evening. Wrote to Palmer.
Monday, January 17, 1881
Mr. Brown and I went to Pittsfield made a call on Mrs. Johnson on the way. She seemed almost very pleasant until quite personal her daughter was not home. Called to see Aunt Ann found them in better condition than I expected. Got home about eight o'clock. No letter yet.

Tuesday, January 18, 1881
Got up to help Mama get breakfast. Have felt about sick all day in fact I have not felt well for several days. I lay down in the p.m. I discovered toward evening that my old toe was in a bad condition; I dread to have it trouble me again. I suffered so much with it last winter. Played checkers with Mr. B~ in the evening. Papa was sick with 'rash'. What a queer set of people we have here this winter.

Wednesday, January 19, 1881
Had the washing round all day. Went to the office and store. Mr. B~ would stop at the office to have a talk with Mr. Avery. And all I could say would not move him. Mr. C~ gave me a card from Mr. _______ (Cremlier?) about the house in B~. Mr. Brown had to carry himself home. Papa was cross. No letter yet - what can be the trouble, it is three weeks since I have heard. Aunt M~ is not well and Mamma looks sick enough to be in bed. What are we going to do. I must (get) back my health and ______ up _______ (scholars?) in ____ _____.
Thursday, January 20, 1881

It was a beautiful morning. Got up early and went to the office before mail time to take out a letter. Aunt Eunice came down to spend the day. She looks better but still bears traces of her illness. Uncle H~ seems like himself again. Made some cake for supper and did all I felt I could to help poor dear Mama. I hope before long we may have some peace and rest. Played w~ Mama this evening. My toe seems better and I am thankful for I found I should be suffer free from it. Mamma read me what she has written for the G.R. It is lovely and I hope she will finish it soon.

Friday, January 21, 1881

It has been a dismal day indoors and out this evening - it storms hard. Mama is still sick and Aunt M~ is not well and as usual at such a time is very uncomfortable. How dark everything looks. This p.m. I cut and partly made me a waist. Mama wants to go away but if Aunt M~ insists on packing up and leaving she says she will not go. She ought to go for she needs rest and I think Aunt M~ is very mean that she says so much to push it. I can tell it anything and I feel sure it will not be repeated. I may say things in anger as in sober minutes but nobody but my diary knows it.

Saturday, January 22, 1881
The storm ceased this morning and about eleven the sun began to shine off in the hills - first in one place then in another and crept slowly along till it reached us here. The sun will shine through our life but clouded and thank you for it. I finished my waist by sewing all the p.m. and evening. Papa was cross as a bear and ended by drawing cider. Everything is quiet now and I must lay me down to rest. No letter since Dec. 28. What is the reason - some good excuse I know and I must wait patiently.
Sunday, January 23, 1881
Could not attend church on account of the drifts. I had learned the S. S. (Sunday School) lesson and would have liked to have gone. Wrote to Nettie Binet and Carroll. In the p.m. put on my snow shoes and went to her. L's for the mail. Most of the evening I spent in Aunt M's room. Felt sick all day and this evening I cannot get warm. It is so cold I am to sleep in Aunt M's room.

Monday, January 24, 1881
Made bread etc . in the morning. In the p.m. mended my dress and went with Mr. B~ to the store. All went well going up and coming home until we reached the drift in the lane: at that point Charlie started went into the drift and sent Mr. B~ and me rolling down the bank; while he ran to the barn, the sleigh up-side down leaving us (and) the groceries we had purchased. There was no damage save the spraining of Mr. B's finger and the loss of four bells. Made some candy in the evening. I expect Palmer's letter tomorrow. Have not heard from the office.

Tuesday, January 25, 1881
Worked all the a.m. Went to see Maude in the p.m. Found her quite ill. John with his wife and her sister came while I was there and they came up to invest in a little furniture. Mrs. C~ had not heard from Wakefield. So I wrote to Annie to learn the cause of their silence.

Wednesday, January 26, 1881
The long looked for letter has come and would to God it had never reached me. I have waited, trusted in Palmer's love and this is my reward. I would rather he had died then lived to destroy my confidence in one whom I thought could never change. God help and strengthen me to bear this burden. I have had many trials but none like this. My faith in man from this day can never be what it has been and Palmer, can it be; has destroyed it. Can I forgive him? Yes, for I love him and always shall though he has forsaken me. Papa has been drunk all day.

Thursday, January 27, 1881
It has been a dismal day. My interest in all things has left me and I long to be at rest with those I love. But this will not do, I must rise above this burden and trust in God knowing he doeth all for our good - others have lived through the same thing and I must bear up for Mamma's sake, but it is hard, yes, very hard. To night the wind back round the house and the vines rattling against the windows reminds me of one night in Dec. when I was so happy and all the world seemed so bright, but that is of the past and I must "brace up" fight life's battle alone, and looked back to those days as if they were a dream. Forgetting what the future promised and will, must fulfill.

Friday, January 28, 1881
A terrible windy day has closed around us and the sun sank to his rest as peaceful as if we favor him and beings had no troubles or cares. Even the sun shine seems mockery to me and this New Year from which I expected so much has so soon been blighted and my life entirely changed in twenty days. Every thing in my life which makes me happy or that I love is torn from me and I (am) left to suffer. It is the way with some lives and I seem to be one of the unfortunate ones. The last light of day has faded and I am alone.

Saturday, January 29, 1881
I have been sick today and could not eat last night - I could not sleep: this burden is to(o) heavy for me, but I hope I shall prove strong enough to bear it. Dear Mamma, were it not for her, I should be crazy but he(r) lively common sense talks do me so much good and show me how weak I am to give up under such a thing. Every day it seems harder for me and the loss greater. It is said that time heals the deepest wounds and I hope it will this one but it will be a long time. This has been a dreadful winter day and the snow is piling "drift on drift" tonight it has grown calmer.

Sunday, January 30, 1881
All the old scenes and places and times Palmer and I have had toget(her) have rushed into my mind one after another all day. What wouldn't I give to see him. I wrote a letter today which frees him from his promise, it was the hardest task I ever had to do but it had to be done. How can I send it? How many times I have sat on this spot and written him knowing he loved me and would be disappointed if he did not hear, knew that he loved me above all others and tonight I feel that I am nothing to him. Will he ever come back: God alone knows and he guards well his secrets.

Monday, January 31, 1881
Went down to see Mrs. C~ and on her inquiring for Palmer, how he was, what he was doing, etc. I had to tell her of the letter I received last; she was quite as much surprised as I had been and seemed to feel very badly. Everything reminds me of the one so dear to me, but who has forsaken me for the charms of another. I cannot realize that it is so. Although that hasn't changed toward me "I will love thee still my dear while the sounds of life shall run". Nobody can ever take his place to me, he is the only one I ever loved. I have been fascinated and mistook it for love but I found it was not. I wish it were summer and I could go into the woods and fields.
Tuesday, February 1, 1881

Did my usual work in the morning. Went down to Abbies in the p.m. and got her to fit my sack. She walked home with me so I went to the store with her, rather started, but I was so tired that I stopped at the Chesley's. I had a nice talk with Mrs. C~, she could not be more kind to me were she my own mother, her kindness to and her interest in me I can never forget. Talk-tired and sick at heart tonight, but time must lighten my burden, and I have my dear good kind Mama to talk with. I wish I were like her, she is good and kind and loves us much.

Wednesday, February 2, 1881

This day has been the coldest in many years - the mercury eleven below, at Mr. Wallace thirty [30] at the city. Abbie was in the p.m. Mama has been reading from her bed to me. I wish I could express my thoughts as she can, but my relief (is) in the dear old piano in joy or in sorrow, it is my comfort. I hope I shall be able to study as I want to before I get too old. Since my life is to be one alone, I shall give my attention to music and try to be cheerful, knowing that the happiness I have looked forward to will always be a pleasant dream, the reality belongs to another.

Thursday, February 3, 1881

"Be still sad heart and ease refining" knowing that thy loss is some one's gain and it may be some one who deserves it more than thou. I can not feel that is true some has more than filled my place to Palmer. I went to Mr. L's for the oil and afterward took a walk in the drifts in the fields. Wherever I go, Palmer is before me and every walk, path, and drive brings his image before me - For ten years we were together and walked in the woods and all over the farm, talked over the beauty of the pines and watched many a lovely sunset behind old Kearsarge. I alway(s) think of _____ when I look at that ___, but _____ is gone but only in a different way and one burden to bear. Life's short and I may meet her before I think so. A letter from Annie this (day).

Friday, February 4, 1881

Oh dear: everything has been in confusion today and I am thankful that the sun has set and it is night at last. I have had to make a great effort to keep up at all and I wish I were through. What have I to live for? My life is nothing to anyone but Mamma and it would not be many years for her. How true it is that our nearest and dearest friends are always taken from us when we feel perfectly happy with them and our life be spent with people who are uncongenial to us. I suppose it is for discipline to prepare us for the happiness to come if we prove ourselves worthy of such.

Saturday, February 5, 1881

Another week is past and gone and we are so much nearer our heavenly home; so much nearer through this life of toil and sorrow. How the days drag by and how hard it is to be firm in ones good resolutions and bear our little trials with patience. Hattie S. and her father called Mr. Brown and I went to the store, but as the drifts were so bad in our lane, I walked from Mrs. C~. Mrs. C~ seemed better today: how good she is to me. I shall always remember her kindness. I have had some pleasant talks with her in the twilight; and they will always be pleasant to look back upon though our acquaintance ends here. I shall always remember how pleasant and peaceful the old seems recent to me.

Sunday, February 6, 1881

How strange it seems to have no letter to write tonight and none to look forward to tomorrow night. Spent the p.m. with Palmer's mother, his Uncle John and Walter were there. Walter was as jolly as ever, he brought me home and I walked down to Abbies to meet Mamma. It has seemed a strange day to me everything seems so changed. Papa has been and is drinking. It is a beautiful moonlight evening. I wonder what Palmer is doing and where he is; how I would like to look in upon him.

Monday, February 7, 1881

Oh dear: what a dreadful day this has been. Papa has been drunk and tonight is crazy and ugly. Oh that I had Palmer to turn to as in days gone by; it has always been such a comfort to me, it is so hard to bear and feel that he who loved tenderly a short time ago care nothing now. I swept and cleaned my room. After dinner went coasting with Phil; as the twilight faded away, the moon shine bright and clear showing me all the places where I have been and enjoyed so much. I wondered if he were not coasting too on the lovely night and what young lady would take me(my) place that so short a time ago nobody could free. Mr. Cilley took our cow away this morning and Papa is excited over it.

Tuesday, February 8, 1881

Another day has passed with no change. This a.m. I received a letter from Carroll telling me of her return to Boston, etc. I went to ride alone and afterward I walked to Mr. Wiggin for milk and to the store for crackers. I consequently feel very tired tonight. Poor little Phil seems quite sick tonight and I fear will have a fever; she seems to have no strength and it would be very hard for her. Oh dear: how desolate and dark everything looks to me and how hard it is to always wear a mask; how little people know the effort I have to make to appear cheerful, and I hope they never will. "It is always darker just before day light".

Wednesday, February 9, 1881

Another warm day is gone and numbers with the past. The days are so much alike, I can scarcely tell one from another: every morning there is the same work to be done and the same things to bear in mind and every evening the same thoughts crowd into my mind, do what I will to forget them. Papa has been very pleasant all day. I hoped Nathan would stay away but he has made his appearance and that will start Papa to drinking. Wrote to Fred today and am going to finish a letter to Carroll tonight. Went to the sand-hill with Martha on the way home met Frank W~ who asked me to ride, but I politely refused for I wish nothing to do with him.

Thursday, February 10, 1881

It has been a rainy dismal day, but the snow is fast disappearing. The few past shiny-like days have been a relief after such terrible cold. Although I know winter must come again, a few warm days are better than none. I wish spring were here, I so long to walk in the fields and woods again. The rain pattering on the roof reminds me of the summer showers and the times which were about are not and never can be. I am very tired tonight and this must do.

Friday, February 11, 1881

This morning the sun was bright and the rain has ceased leaving several bare spots in the field. I have been busy all day; I could not live if I had nothing to do, my thoughts would craze me. At morning I long for night and at night I wish it were morning; still I know not what a day will bring forth. Mamma and I tried to have a little talk but were interrupted, later in the evening I tried to play to her but met with the same result. Oh for some place where we could be at rest and alone. Frank Wallace brought the clothes and the mail.

Saturday, February 12, 1881

Felt very well in the morning and I thought to call on Mrs. C~ but before I could get ready, it came on rainy and poured. I fixed Mamma's bonnet for her and remodeled my own hat for spring. Aunt M seems real sick and poor old Mr. Brown is not well. I wish I could help them both, but it is more than I can do to help myself. Mamma seems some better and does not look so tired. It has been a very dreary day but it is over and another week is gone with the past. I have had a very pleasant talk with Papa.

Sunday, February 13, 1881

Did up the work, dressed and went down to see Mrs. Chesley. The day was fine but the walking was not good. Everything was pleasant there. Mr. Cofran was there. Mrs. C~ gave me two qts. of milk. Mamma and I walked home with Abbie; it was a beautiful moonlight evening. Aunt Martha seemed out of sorts. Took some letters Mr. Wallaces and a paper to Grandma. Was so cold I could not sit in my room. Had a letter from Helen B.

Monday, February 14, 1881

Today was St. V's day but I should not have thought about it had I not seen something about it in the paper. My head ached this morning and I did not get up to breakfast. Swept and cleaned Papa's room. Went down to Mr. L's meadow was fit to skate on and found it would be nice by tomorrow. The evening was so delightful I did not want to come in so I went coasting all alone. I never got such a shaking as I did going over some of the drifts. They expect Palmer home this week. I never dreaded to have him come home as I do now and yet I long to see him. I wonder if he will come up?

Tuesday, February 15, 1881

Henrietta came down to spend two or three days and she brought us some provisions as usual - how kind they are to us. Abbie and I went to the store. Philley wanted me to go skating so I went with her and I went to Mrs. C~'s. Palmer is not coming home this vacation. I am glad in some accounts and sorry in others. Mamma and I went to the store to get some milk of terrek (?). I have been experiencing so much. I am very tired. I fell through some of the ice and cut my foot. I am afraid I shall suffer again. Mr. B~. spent the day on the hill and Uncle H. brought him home. Jennie showed me a lovely birthday. Jennie showed me a lovely birthday presents from Palmer: ____ Child Life.

Wednesday, February 16, 1881

How glad I am that night is here and I can come to my diary and tell my thoughts. This has been a day like all the rest. Henrietta had a talk with Papa and she is willing to do anything but would like to stay her till she dies. How I wish I could help him. My shoulder is very lame and my face aches dreadfully. I have been playing all the evening. I wonder if P~ ever thinks of "his darling" now and wonders what she is doing? It has snow(ed) today but has cleared off this evening.

Thursday, February 17, 1881

This has been a day like all the rest. A letter from Fred this morning. Uncle H~ came for Henrietta this evening. Have not been well.

Friday, February 18, 1881

I have been real sick all day and tonight I feel miserably. Papa & Mr. B~ went to Northunion for a cow today but Papa was disappointed in her and did not get her. We all feel badly about it - Mr. Coggswell asked more than they thought it worth and she was not full-blooded Jersey either. It has been sunny most all day.

Saturday, February 19, 1881

Another week is past and gone with no changes of any kind. I have felt sick for several days and tonight I feel no better. Aunt M~ has been very pleasant all day. My legs ache, my head aches and I ache all over. I wish I could be well and strong. I wanted to write but did not feel able. I wish summer were here. It blows tonight and the air is full of snow. I must write Augusta that Mr. Thorpe was at Mrs. Fiskers. She would like to know it. Played checkers with Mr. B~ and and beat him far too late.

Sunday, February 20, 1881

As I was not able to make my usual call I looked over my old letters and (tore) up most of them. It seems like bidding farewell to all my past-life, but it seems foolish to keep so many old letters. Wrote to Fred and Augusta. Have felt some better today. Mamma and I had a nice long talk in the old dining room in the twilight. Papa drank last night and is at it again tonight. It has been a beautiful day. The stillness tonight is really oppressive.

Monday, February 21, 1881

Toothache all day and last night.

Tuesday, February 22, 1881

Toothache all day. Mr. B~ went to the Dr's. and got some oil of clove for me and I feel better this evening. Made gingerbread and for a wonder it baked well. Had a letter from Mrs. Bennett. Aunt M~ has been very pleasant. Wrote to Helen Barys last evening. Shall go to Pittsfield soon and have my tooth filled.

Wednesday, February 23, 1881

Thursday, February 24, 1881

I could not write last night for it was cold everywhere and it was all I could do to nurse my face it ached so badly. I have made up my mind to go to C~ to have it filled. Tonight is it more comfortable and I hope I shall rest. I can not help Mamma now and seems very hard for her to have everything to do. Aunt M~ has been very kind to me. I wish she would always be as pleasant as she has been the past two or three days. It has been a whole week since I have been out. Expect Hattie tomorrow. Papa was drunk again last night.

Friday, February 25, 1881

Saturday, February 26, 1881

My tooth ached so terribly I could not rest any and I got up before seven and dressed me. Aunt M~ called Mr. B~ and asked him to go for the Dr. but Papa drove up and got the Dr. he came about 1/2 after ten and gave me eather (sp?) and extracted the old thing. When I was coming out from the ether I turned and saw the doctor and said who is that? I thought it looked like that horrid Dr. French, how I do hate that man etc.and then I went on to tell why I hated him so because he said 'old steel' was the best thing for my tooth. I am glad the old thing is gone - suffered so I could not write yesterday and still have to leave another blank page - but nothing happened worth writing down. It was a sunny day so Hattie did not come until today. She took the softer and grey summer suit.

Sunday, February 27, 1881

Got up about noon; it seemed so good to be able to rest - I stayed in bed and enjoyed it. Two weeks I had no rest with that old tooth but now it is gone and I am glad. Aunt M~ and Papa have gone on the hill. I guess he misses me when he has to go and do the errands. Last night "Winter in the Backwoods" was in the G. ____(Beck?) - I was so glad.

Monday, February 28, 1881

Tuesday, March 1, 1881

Wednesday, March 2, 1881

Thursday, March 3, 1881

Three pages I shall have to leave unwritten. Sunday evening I had the return of that dreadful face ache. No one knows what I suffered. Morphine quieted me during the night and Monday. Mr. B~ went for the Dr. He did not get (here) until Tuesday noon - then he lanced my jaw and since then I have suffered little, some from weakness and headache. Monday Papa was drunk all day and last night he was at it again. He has been very kind to me since I have been sick. I wish I could get well and keep well; it is so hard to be sick. It has stormed since Mon. morn. Mrs. Chesley came out and where Mr. B~ (has) been, I was yesterday. I expect she is worried about me. I long so to get out doors again. How I long for a letter as a look of the one I love but I must give him up and forget him.

Friday, March 4, 1881

Another stormy dismal day is past. Will the sun ever shine again? I have been reading most all day and this evening looked over some old letters and among them were some from "Crew" which I saved. I wish he would write again, he writes such nice letters, but I would rather have one from somewhere else. I feel some better tonight but still weak. I wrote a letter to Mr. Huntington tonight but I don't know as I shall send it. I would like to be in Washington today and all the display; but my time will come.

Saturday, March 5, 1881

The sun came out for a while this morning but went back in disgust or else it has forgotten how to shine. Mr. B~ has been away all day. Abbie was in this evening. I spent the p.m. in reading history and I intend to try and learn more for I feel so ignorant in everything. Mamma taught me an old song which her mother used to sing and it is lovely, all the old songs seem prettier than these modern "flipi gigi". I can't bear them.

Sunday, March 6, 1881

Another Sunday is past but it has not seemed like much of anything to me for we have no order and no system; everything is done just as one feels. I have been in my room most all day reading.
The sunset tonight was beautiful and for a long time I saw the last rays through the woods on the hill. The light grew dim and dimmer until the last bright tint faded into the gray of twilight; the days begin to seem like spring. I think I shall be able to hope again tomorrow. I do want to get out so much and go to see Mrs. C and learn if there is anything new in W~.

Monday, March 7, 1881

It is cold in my room and I cannot write much indeed there is nothing to write. Papa was drunk and kept us all awake last night. Uncle Henry was down this morning. Read some and practiced an hour and a half toward evening. I must begin and practice or I shall lose what little I know. Mamma wrote the words to an old scotch song for me. Have not heard from the office but of course there will be no letter for me now.

Tuesday, March 8, 1881

Went out for the first time in three weeks. While Papa was at town meeting, I staid with Mrs. Chesley. Palmer thinks he will not take the school another year but go away to study medicine. I hope he will for I want to see him succeed well not withstanding he has broken with me. Read some and practiced. Mama seems better than she has for some time. My jaw is still aching. I don't know as it will ever get well.

Wednesday, March 9, 1881

Helped some about the work. Mama went to the Drs. with me but we did not find him home. Practiced and read some, but Mr. B~ was talking and I could not tell what I was reading, I do wish I could have a place or one room by myself where I could read. Have felt as if I would give anything to see Palmer even for only a few minutes. It storms tonight but the moon is bright and does not seem as dismal.

Thursday, March 10, 1881

Oh: dear: what a dreadful day this has been. Papa has been so drunk that he could hardly walk and talked so terribly to Mama that she has gone to Uncle Henry's to stay tonight. It is terribly desolate to have her away. I hope some time we may be together and live in peace. Papa is still drinking and Nathan is still here. Had a letter from Helen B~ and Agnes Spencer. Aunt M~ is dreadfully worried and I feel very nervous; but I must brace up for Mama's sake.

Friday, March 11, 1881

Mama did not come home today. I hope she will tomorrow for it is terrible here with her away; but I am glad she can have a little rest. Papa got up at two and ate his breakfast. Aunt M~ was not well and I had all the work to do and because I was tired she wondered what I had to do to tire me, where she does a part of the work she thinks it inconsiderable, but when anyone else does it, it is nothing. I had a rest after dinner in the dining room in the twilight. It seemed so good to be quiet and alone. I read most of the p.m. but could not practice it was so cold in the sitting room and I was so tired last night. I dreamed of Palmer and he has been in my mind all day. I wish a part of my dream might come true but I know it will not.

Saturday, March 12, 1881

Mama did not come home today. I am glad that she can have a rest, but it does seem as if I could not stay another day without her. I wouldn't live with Aunt M~ for fifty dollars a week and have her have the control of everything. She thinks people must be insane if they like to be alone, but I can understand that better than I can how any one can enjoy spending two-thirds of their time talking about nothing. Went for milk with Papa today. It was lovely out, but nothing seems pleasant with Mama away. I do wish we could live in harmony. Papa is very pleasant and I think feels very badly. I wonder what Palmer is doing tonight and if he ever thinks of his Epsom friends now-a-days. Read some and practiced.

Sunday, March 13, 1881

Another day is passed and Mama is still away. I do wish she would come home. I wonder what will turn up next? Things grow worse and worse and the worst is yet to come. I went down to Abbie's after supper, and she came home with me. Papa has been very good and helped about the work. I am dreadfully tired tonight and my legs tremble so I can hardly walk. I slept most all the afternoon so I neither read or wrote.

Monday, March 14, 1881

Mama came home this morning; it seemed so good to see her. Uncle Henry thinks the only way to do is to put Papa under guardianship and it does seem the best way. Went down to the Chesley's. Mr. Wallace was going up so I rode with him and came home with him. They had a letter I guess from Wakefield, I would like to know if they have heard. I am dreadfully tired and although it is but little past eight - I am going to bed.

Tuesday, March 15, 1881

It has been a beautiful day. Aunt M~ and I went to the store. Mrs. Wells came up and washed. Practiced but did not read for I did not get through my work until late and then I had to rest. Mama seems very tired.

Wednesday, March 16, 1881

Another stormy and pleasant day; it has been a regular spring day. Belle Chesley came in this p.m. I read most all the afternoon and practiced my usual time. I am very tired tonight. This evening we received the new of the assassination of Czar of Russia, Alexander II; he was killed by the Mielise throwing a shell which exploded under the body of his carriage and another thrown after he got out - he died about three p.m. and was surprised about eleven a.m. It seems a sad death. Aunt M~ seems to take no interest in the event if it had only been a Baptist minister she would have cried over it.

Thursday, March 17, 1881

Nothing unusual happened. Cleaned and cooked. Read some and practiced. Went over to see how Sophila was doing and found her quite ill. Mr. Brown went away this morning, but has got back.

Friday, March 18, 1881 (Crossed out Friday and wrote Saturday)

Owing to my blunder last evening I shall have to write on this page for Saturday instead of Friday. I am dreadfully tired tonight. Had a letter from Augusta and it made me feel very blue; how I wish things could be as they used to be. Mama and I took a little walk in the fields. Practiced but was too tired to read. Nathan is here tonight, the first time for over a week. I wish he would stay away. I am afraid Papa will drink again.

Saturday, March 19, 1881 (Crossed out Saturday and wrote Friday)

Washed dishes, cooked and so forth as usual. Received a letter from Uncle John with his picture. I was so glad to get it. Went to Mr. Cilley's and the Chesley's; they heard from Annie Monday but she said nothing about Palmer. I am dreadfully tired tonight. Practiced but did not read.

Sunday, March 20, 1881

Have felt too tired to read or write and have loafed around all day. Read a little to Philley and played to Mama for a while this evening. It had been a very dreary day and everybody is as blue as a "whet-stone". This weather is terrible. I hope it will soon be over. I am almost afraid to wish for summer for I can't tell what it may bring with it. Mama looks sick. I wish she were well and strong.

Monday, March 21, 1881

Was not an unpleasant day. I worked, etc. Brought the old bureau down into the kitchen that has been outside for so many years; it was my great-great-grandmother's. Went to the Wallace's with Abbie. Practiced two hours but read none.

Tuesday, March 22, 1881

Aunt Eunice came down and spent the day. Abbie sewed for Aunt M~ and when she took her basque to have it fixed she found (it) eaten with moths so that it was spoiled, also her best shawl, the little one Hattie sent her and the little dolman, her dress was all right. I took Aunt Eunice up to the office and met Uncle Henry there. I am to spend the night with Abbie. It seems very quiet and lovely here.

Wednesday, March 23, 1881

When we came home this morning, Mama met us at the front door because Papa was drunk in the kitchen; he was raving round all last night and is still drunk tonight - and Nathan here to finish all. I went down to the Chesley's with Mr. Wallace and Jennie told me she saw a young gentleman in Concord and asked for us and spoke of dear little Hil; also said that her roommate was dying in consumption. I am so afraid that Hati is going just as Hil did. How everyone is keeping us. I am really afraid to get a letter for fear it will ____(find?) some death.

Thursday, March 24, 1881

Mrs. Wells came up to work. I cooked all the forenoon and ironed my dress which I am going to make over. Read some in the p.m. and practiced in the evening. Papa did not get up until three o'clock. Went out and coasted awhile with Phil and Hattie Wells.

Friday, March 25, 1881

Have been lazy all day. Have done nothing scarcely: but cut over my gray dress and fit the waist; I left out the piece under the arm and made both sleeves for one arm but we had lots of fun over it and I didn't mind. Abbie ran for a minute. Practiced this evening but have been too lazy and stupid to read. Mrs. Wells is coming tomorrow to clean, I am glad to say. Went over for the milk and had a pleasant call. Papa bought 1 gal. spread of Mr. Fogg.

Saturday, March 26, 1881

Papa was as cross as a bear this morning but seemed more amiable this p.m. Did very little housework but I sewed all the p.m. on my dress and finished the waist besides basting the overskirt together. Did not read any but practiced this evening but I have such a fearful headache I could do nothing well. Phil has been real sick all day and this p.m. she sat up more; she is better tonight and I guess will be all right in the morning.

Sunday, March 27, 1881

It has been a cold, windy blustering day, the most dismal day of all the year. I have lounged round all day. After supper I went to Mr. Cilley's for meat but got none. I stopped at the Chesley's but did not see Mrs. C~ for John and his wife were there. I am very sleepy. Have been trying to write to Uncle John but did feel in the mood and made sorry work of it.

Monday, March 28, 1881

Was lazy all day. Read some in the p.m. but felt sick all the afternoon and tonight I begin to suffer some. Papa was cross all day, he did not get up 'til noon. Uncle Henry came down this morning but I did not see him for I did not get up very early. Practiced two hours but read nothing. Mama walked over to the Tarlton place but I could not go for I was sick.

Tuesday, March 29, 1881

I have been sick all day and Papa was as cross as a bear. I guess Uncle Henry must have said something to stir him up. I hope he did, Papa has gone down in the woods and I expect he will come home drunk for Nathan is down there. Papa was drunk all last night. Mrs. Wells has been here to wash. This is written at four o'clock and I shall write other incidents this evening if there are any to write. Papa came home "straight" and was very pleasant. I practiced, tried to read but felt too sick. Mr. Brown has not got back.

Wednesday, March 30, 1881

Mr. Brown did not come back last night and has not returned this morning. I felt quite sick this morning but am well tonight. Practiced and read a very little. Sewed on my dress all the p.m. Mama went out and found some Mayflower buds. Papa walked up to the store, he has been very pleasant today. It has been a dreadful blurry day. I hope we shall have some pleasant weather soon.

Thursday, March 31, 1881

This has been another dismal day and I have been living in the past. Papa has been drunk but is sober tonight; he did not go to bed last night and that means drunkenness. I went over to Mr. Wallace's through the drifts and got very wet, but I felt better for going out. Practiced as usual, sewed all the p.m. so I had no time to read. Mr. Brown has not made his appearance yet. I really feel anxious about him. I would like to hear from the office tonight for I feel as if I should get a letter. I had a funny dream about Palmer last night.

Friday, April 1, 1881

Was a beautiful day. Have been sewing all the p.m. Abbie has been sewing for Aunt M~ and I came home with her to spend the night; we played letters in the evening. Nathan went into our house. I hope Nathan and Papa still not drunk. Went over to Mr. Wallace's to take some letters. I wrote one to Sarah Wallace about some scholars in Loudon. I hope I shall get some. Practiced before I came away.

Saturday, April 2, 1881

When I came home from Abbie's, found Papa half drunk. Abbie has been sewing for Aunt M~ and I have finished my grey dress. Next I shall go to work on my red sack. I could not practice it was so cold and Papa was not willing I should have a fire. I went through part of my exercises and part of my scales and stopped. Went over to Mr. W's for the mail. The moon was beautiful and never seemed large enough to be a small moon and very bright. Am very tired.

Sunday, April 3, 1881

Feel very tired. I have been down to see Mrs. Chesley and went to Mr. Cilley's to see about some meat. Mrs. C~ had not heard from Wakefield for two weeks or more. Mama has gone down to Abbies. Although it is not seven o'clock, I am going to bed to see if I cannot feel rested in the morning. Wrote to Mrs. Daniel.

Monday, April 4, 1881

Has been a terribly windy day. I have not felt very well and Papa has been drunk all day. I bored a hole in the cider barrel and I hope the old stuff will all run out. Walked up to Mr. Halls to cash some cheques for Aunt M~. Went to be about half-past nine. It was so cold I could not practice.

Tuesday, April 5, 1881

Made bread, etc. - Went for the milk - lay down in the p.m. and after dinner went up to Uncle Charles's to see about getting Michael and Barry for scholars. Mrs. Steele said she would be glad to have them come. I shall begin as soon as possible. I turned all the cider outdoors that was in the barrel. Am very tired. Too cold to practice.

Wednesday, April 6, 1881

Abbie has been in sewing for Aunt M~ today and Mrs. Wells has been washing. Abbie and I went to the depot to get Aunt M~'s bundle which came by express instead of mail and causes her so much trouble. Papa seems very cross tonight but I guess will be better in the morning. Mr. B~ has not come back. Saw Uncle H~ at the store. I feel dreadfully lonely tonight and long for the sympathy and love I card to have. Practiced. Mrs. Wells will send her children to me to school and I am to begin Tuesday.

Thursday, April 7, 1881

It has seemed a little warmer today. Poor little Phil has a terrible cough and they all think it is whooping cough, if so, my plan of having a school will amount to nothing. I wish she would bet well for I hate to hear her cough so. Mr. Brown and I went to the office and I got some alcohol at the Drs. Mrs. French was very agreeable. I feel very much discouraged tonight for everything looks so dark and every opening seemed closed. I had a letter from Carrie Hammond and a note from Sarah Wallace. Practiced.

Friday, April 8, 1881

Has been much warmer today and I hope warm weather has come. Philly has the whooping cough and that puts an end to my school, it seems as if everything was against my earning or doing anything. Venus is very bright and the shadow of the whole tree is cast on the snow from the moon, rather remarkable for the eighth day of April. Nathan is in tonight and I expect they will drink again. Oh! dear, I feel so discouraged and sick. I wish I were through. Mr. Brussels gave away to Mr. Sanders.

Saturday, April 9, 1881

Has been a beautiful day. Got up a little past six, the birds were singing and the sun was shining bright and warm. Papa has been drawing wood. Aunt M~ has gone on the hill. Abbie has been in the p.m. Mrs. Wells has been cleaning. I fixed over my blue cambric dress and mended my flannel. I don't feel one bit like writing tonight; this morning I could have written lots for the lovely morning gave me inspiration. Wrote to Louden about music scholars.

Sunday, April 10, 1881

After I did the work, Mama, Phil and I went down into the woods to get Mayflowers and I went from there up to Mrs. Chesley's where I stayed most all day. Belle went with me up to Uncle Charles'. Mrs. Heath came to see me about teaching her daughter and I told her I would do so and I expect she will be up Tuesday or Wed. I have felt very blue all day. Oh, that Palmer were to me what he has been. The measles are in his school and nearly half his scholars are sick with them. I wonder if he will be home this summer. I have got a dreadful cold and feel about sick. It seems so still at times that I don't know what to do with myself.

Monday, April 11, 1881

I have been dreadfully blue all day and if I don't get away from here soon I shall be as sour as vinegar. Mr. Brown and I went up to Silver and Robinsons and made a call on Mrs. Cotrell; met Belle and Jenny C~. I wonder what Palmer is doing tonight, does he ever think of me? I would like to know. I am afraid this year has been an injury rather than a benefit to him. I could not sew today, I felt too sick. It seems as if we had all come to a sudden stop, the house is so still. Poor Mr. Brown seems real sick tonight and he is groaning terribly now.

Tuesday, April 12, 1881

Haven't done much of anything but practice today for I have been about sick with a cold. Mr. Brown and Papa have been receiving and chopping wood. Papa is very nervous and I am afraid he will drink for Nathan is here.

Wednesday, April 13, 1881

Has been snowing all day, but has cleared now; everything is laden with snow, the pines look beautifully. Uncle Henry was down this p.m. and said he had a letter from Uncle John saying he would take this place, the S. place or both if it would help us along. Uncle H~ also said that Mr. Greecy had sued for the bill he has sent to Papa so many times. I hope "crazy" G~ won't get it and Papa says he can't. It seems so quiet and peaceful to have Mr. B~ and Aunt M~ away. Papa was drunk last night and was "blowing" brew up half the night so kept me awake and I did not get up until ten o'clock.

Thursday, April 14, 1881

Mr. Ham came and white-washed the kitchens and they seems so white. I feel lost. Now I want to get some pretty paper and have them find in decent order. Fixed my brown and light cambric skirt so that it looks very well. I am very tired. Mama gave Nathan a talking to and told him to stop coming here to drink. Poor man, I really pity him, for I know he must suffer; it must be terrible to be a slave to such an appetite. It has be neither pleasant nor unpleasant today, a real April day.

Friday, April 15, 1881

It has been a cold snowy day. Uncle Henry came down to see Papa about the property in Brooklyn and got him to sign a paper so Uncle John can save some money if there is any in the house in B~. Have been dreadfully tired all day, had a nap in the p.m. Papa had to go up to the city today to hand in his paper. It is so cold Mama had to build a fire in the west - seems last year at this time the Mayflowers were in bloom.

Saturday, April 16, 1881

Made brown bread and baked some buns for the first time in my life. Abbie came in on her way home from Chesley's, she said she told them their sister Helen was coming down. I guess Jenny and her mother had a good laugh. Papa went up to the depot to see Uncle Henry and get back the paper he signed yesterday. Mama and I went out for a little walk. Poor Mr. Brown has been real sick today. I feel so sorry for him. I wish he could be with his daughter, he seems so lonely.

Sunday, April 17, 1881

Papa was drunk this morning and has been drinking all day. Tonight he as ugly as the devil. I went to church but how different it seemed from Easter Sunday at my own church. I do long to go once more. Mama and Phil went to the Tarlton Place and I was to go over in the p.m. Mr. B~ stayed to S.S.(Sunday School) to "gab" with somebody and made me so late home that I could not get to the ____(S.D.?)_ till about four and I found nobody there. I was so tired, it seemed as if I could not take another step but I had to come home tonight my legs ache terribly. Papa was so hateful and ugly I brought my supper to my own room to eat it.

Monday, April 18, 1881

Aunt M~ came back today. What a breeze she does make. Mr. Brown came back also. Papa is quite pleasant as he always is after a drink. He and Phil went to Northwood to see some cows. I wanted to go to the Coggswells but felt too tired. Have been very tired all day. I wonder why I don't hear from Louden.

Tuesday, April 19, 1881

Hid the work and went over to Short Falls to get some rubbers mended. Took Abbie to Mr. Cilley's and Belle Chesley went to S.F. with me. Mr. Tennant showed us over the O.F. Hall. I got very tired. I was so tired I could not practice. Mrs. Wells has been washing.

Wednesday, April 20, 1881

Felt very tired this morning. Mama got up and got breakfast for me. Papa went to an auction and bought a hen and some chickens; he also went to Mr. Coggswells and bought his cow. Abbie has been in this p.m. and cut me a sacque pattern and cut off my black basque. I went over to Mr. Lawrence's to have some "chicken pie made out of veal" which was very nice. Swept over a part of the door yard and Mama and Aunt M~ raked some. I feel very blue tonight and long for the love that is good but such piety must be done and the more cheerfully it is done, the better - twill end I suppose.

Thursday, April 21, 1881

Uncle Henry came down for Aunt M~ and he brought her back this evening. also Aunt Ann. It seemed very pleasant to see Aunt Ann; she is so quiet and pleasant. Papa and Phil went to Mr. Coggswells to get the cow he bought yesterday. I swept and cleaned my room. Basted my cashmere dress together. I think it will be very pretty, they all like it. Practiced a short time
(be-)for(e) Aunt Ann came. I am very tired tonight. Mr. Brown came down with Uncle Henry but went back to Mr. Sanders.

Friday, April 22, 1881

Made some cake and did the work. Mama ironed and Aunt Ann helped her some then she put the cord on my basque for me. I sewed my dress together and got it so I could finish it tomorrow. Mama went with me to carry Aunt Ann to the cars and we got caught in a shower, it was a real April shower, the first of the season. I had to borrow an umbrella at the store. Aunt Ann seemed very pleasant but much worn and depressed.

Saturday, April 23, 1881

Papa was cross this morning and twitting about our doing nothing. I hope some time he will get somebody who will work enough to please him but I doubt such a person exists. Mama and I went to Uncle Henrie's and up to the farther store. We had a lovely drive, but I was very tired when we got home. I had so many errands to do. Mr. Knowles was round with some paper and Papa got some for the front kitchen and dining rooms. Kattie was home and looked much better than I expected to see her.

Sunday, April 24, 1881

Went to church with Belle and she came home with me to spend the p.m. Papa was drinking last night and all day today and too he was so drunk Nathan had to lead him from Mr. Jacob Griffin's where he spent the day; he bought a cow and gave thirty-five ($35) dollars for it. Belle and I went down to Uncle Charles' woods to get some flowers and we stopped and talked when we got near the old cow gate. The frogs were croaking and the air was soft and reminded me of happy days gone by. This doesn't seem like the same old place where Augusta, Kit and I used to have such jolly times in _____ seems like a different thing now.

Monday, April 25, 1881

Took Aunt Martha and Abbie to the depot to go to Manchester. Called on Mrs. Swain on my way home but she had gone, also Sadie. Belle came up in the p.m. and I stitched up a dress for her. I made her stay to tea. I found I was sick when I got home from the depot and I lay down at eleven and slept till two. Papa took down the partition and stove in the dining room; it looks like home there now. Mr. Griffin took the cow back and gave Papa the money for it. I was so glad for I did not much want the cow and he could not afford to buy it. I could not practice. Went to bed about seven.

Tuesday, April 26, 1881

Had to lie down most all day. Went to the office to meet Aunt Martha. She was very tired and so was I. She got me some pretty gloves for sixty-seven cents. I made a call on Mrs. Cotrell. Mr. Philbrick was there and he said Addie Veasy is to have his school this summer. I am so glad for I think she will take music lessons. Aunt M~ saw Mr. G~ and inquired for me. She stayed all night at the Pearsons.

Wednesday, April 27, 1881

Have been very tired all day. Worked some, sewed some and practiced. Uncle Henry and Etta came down toward evening. Aunt M~ has been talking about the affairs and to hear her one would think Mrs. Dermitt had told all she ever knew, but her talk makes little impression on me. Papa has been working hard all day and tomorrow is going up to help Walter.

Thursday, April 28, 1881

Papa has been to Walter's at work and it has been very quiet all day. I sewed some and read some besides practicing, these days seem very sad to me and I long for May to go for I dread the meeting that must come. How different it will be from the one I looked forward to. Phil and I went for Mayflowers and I took a long nap. Aunt M~ has had one of her ugly days and she has been twitting me about being rude to Mr. G~ which I never was and I guess she didn't feel any better for saying what she did. I only wish she knew what he said about her.

Friday, April 29, 1881

It has been a lovely rainy day and the birds seemed in their happiest moods and sang as if their little throats would burst. Mrs. Wells has been cleaning the dining room and it looks so much better. This p.m. was quite pleasant and Mama and I went to Uncle Henrie's and the store. We called to see Jeffrey Brown and he said he would help me plant some trees in the cemetery tomorrow, so I went down in the pasture tonight to get a little pine tree.

Saturday, April 30, 1881

This morning I baked and did the work then went out and dug three trees and took them to the cemetery where Mr. Jef~ Brown set them out for me. I took up the white rose bush and I sowed some sweet clover. Papa has been helping Walter today and has come home very tired. This evening Mama and I took up the white, blue and ____ fleur-de-lis and put them in the hot bed.
I am too tired to practice - this closes the last day of April and a beautiful evening it is but a little chilly.

Sunday, May 1, 1881

It was quite late when I got up this morning and it threatened a cool day but grew warmer this p.m. and Mama, Phil and I went in the woods for flowers. Abbie came in this evening but Aunt M~ gabbled so nobody could say anything. I don't know what ails me for the last few days. I feel so sad and lonely it seems that I cannot live. I had such strange dreams last night and night before. I dreamed about Hattie Sanborne, last night it was about Palmer but he seemed to Fred Steele. I do wish Aunt M~ would go to Brooklyn so we could have some rest. She does tire me so and she is so disagreeable for (most) of the times.

Monday, May 2, 1881

Intended to go to Mrs. C~ today but Walter came to work and I had to get dinner - then Sophila L. came for me to go for Mayflowers. I am very tired tonight. Papa is drunk and ugly. George Ham has been here. I did not practice. Papa was so cross I came up to my room and have been here all the evening.

Tuesday, May 3, 1881

Papa was not wholly over his drinking this morning but is sober and pleasant tonight. I went down to the Chesley's after supper. Read a letter from Anna Hammond. Mama had one from Mrs. O~ and Grandma. Grandma's was very sad and Mrs. O's was about the house in C~ which is to be sold tomorrow at auction. I suppose the curtains and everything will go now. I hate to have it sold but it can not be helped. Everyone is in bed and I must go too. Ellen Chesley and Ella Cilley called on me. I went down to Mrs. C~ toward evening.

Wednesday, May 4, 1881

My arms are very badly poisoned and this morning I had to go to the Drs. to get something for them. Mrs. Wells came up and Mama helped her clean the garret and such a dirty place as it was. I worked round until noon and then I lay down for I have not slept much for two nights. I sewed a little and practiced.

Thursday, May 5, 1881

This morning Mama and I got ready to go to Concord, but Papa would not let us have the horse, Mama tried to get one somewhere else but there was none to be had, so the whole forenoon was wasted. I spent the p.m. at the Chesley's and felt better when I got home for I was provoked with Aunt M~ when I went away. My arms are so sore I could not practice. Mama had a letter from Kate Cole tonight. Papa seemed very much disturbed and I don't wonder. I pity him very much and wish things to be different.

Friday, May 6, 1881

It rained and Manson Griffin came to paper the dining room. I helped him and have not had time even to comb my hair. I had to "tool" up to the store in the rain to get bordering. The room looks very nice now and is clean. Tomorrow we shall paper the front kitchen.

Saturday, May 7, 1881

I got up early and went to work about the papering, cut the paper and had half the old paper off when M~ got here. Papa moved the stove and I got M~ and he to take the old sofa out and tonight the room looks quite like a dining room. I have hung up pictures and made a change generally, but I am so tired I have not rested for five minutes since I got up. The bordering I had would not do so I had to go to the store for some.

Sunday, May 8, 1881

It was late when I got up and I have lounged round all day. It was lovely this morning but this evening the wind is out east and it has grown cold. Mr. Brown took Aunt M~ on the hill and she will be back tomorrow morning. Papa has gone down to Nathan's but I guess will come home all right.

Monday, May 9, 1881

Papa sat up late and drank last night but he was sober this a.m. about ten he went down to Mr. Ambrose's and got cider somewhere. When he got back I went on the hill and found Grandpa dead. He died this morning at half past nine; he was ninety-one and six months. Aunt M~ came home with me to get some of her things and we went over to Mrs. J~ Wallace's. Tonight they have all gone on the hill and I am alone. I have been reading a letter from Palmer which he wrote just after his vacation and sends "much love to my darling". It seems as if it would kill me to think I must see him next week and only as a friend. I have got the silver in the dining room and the old chair that was at Mr. Casses. When I get the screen up it will be very pleasant there.

Tuesday, May 10, 1881

Mrs. Wells came up and washed and things went as usual. How little we realize how unimportant we are and how little change our dying would make. Poor Grandpa, he is gone but everything else is unchanged; so it will be with us all. Mama and I went up to the Halls and carried some vinegar Jeffrey Brown. I took off the muslin on my shade hat, worked it and put it on again. Mama fixed her bonnet to wear tomorrow to the funeral. Ed Yeaton came down this evening for Aunt M~'s big chair.

Wednesday, May 11, 1881

I had to hurry in order to get through the work to go to Grandpa's funeral. Abbie came in and went with us. I did not see Grandpa for I would rather remember him as I knew him. The sermon was one which he would have liked and everything seemed like him. Abbie came to tea with us. I went down to the Chesley's and up to the office with Mr. Wallace. Mrs. C~ got a letter from Annie, but I have not seen her yet. Aunt Ann wants Aunt Martha to make her a visit before going to B~. I guess she said (she) will go. I am awfully tired.

Thursday, May 12, 1881

Papa was half drunk this morning but is sober and pleasant tonight. Mrs. Wells has been cleaning and the west room and sitting room are now in order. I worked until one and then I had to lye down. I was so tired. Mama, Phil and I went over to Mrs. Cofrin's and to the office: after I got home, I had bread to make and several little things to do. It was very warm this morning but is cool tonight.

Friday, May 13, 1881

Mrs. Wells was here cleaning and Papa had Manson Griffin to help him so I had to get dinner at noon. I hadn't flour enough to make the bread so I had to go over and borrow some of Mrs. Wallace and I met Aunt M~ and Aunt E~ coming to our home. I got Mr. W~'s horse to carry Aunt M~ to the cars to go to Pittsfield, we came near missing the train. I tried to rest in the p.m. but I could not: it is so near time for Palmer to come home I can not rest or sleep. Papa has been dreadfully cross all day and part drunk.

Saturday, May 14, 1881

I was so tired I could hardly keep about. Mama has been about sick. I lay down all the p.m. and had a good nap. I was too tired to go to Abbie's. Toward evening I walked down to Walters: it was lovely out and I hated to come in, the air is filled with sweetness from the trees and flowers and everything looks beautifully. One ought to be happy when all around is beautiful but we human beings have so much to trouble us we cannot always throw off our cares and sorrows.

Sunday, May 15, 1881

It has been a rainy dismal day and yet the rain makes everything beautiful, but I would rather it would be some other day when I would have to stay in doors if it were best to have it so. I am just about tired out and Mama is real sick; she has one of (her) feverish times and I hope will be better tomorrow. I have been playing some today and it seems good to have time to touch the piano. I must begin my practicing again. I have been so busy I could get time. Papa was drinking last night and this morning was cross as bedlam.

Monday, May 16, 1881

This has been a dismal stormy cold day. I do wish it would clear and we could see the sun. I have tried to keep busy and not mind it, but I could hear the howling of the wind above all other noises. I was glad when Phil came home from school, for she is a jolly little thing. Trimmed a hat for Mrs. Wells. Phil and I went up to the office with Mr. Wallace's horse and Mr. Jeffrey Brown rode home with us. I am glad the day is end but it brings me one day nearer the dreaded time. Mama is better tonight.

Tuesday, May 17, 1881

It has been another rainy day. Mama and Papa were both lying down and I went down to Walter's and came home with Phil. Three days it has stormed and there is no appearance of it clearing now. I taught Phil something about euchre this evening.

Wednesday, May 18, 1881

I got an old frame in the hog house and made a screen for the dining room: in the p.m. went up to the store and got some patch to cover it and put on half of it. This evening it still rains. Papa was dreadfully cross and he and Mama had a "blow-up". I am very tired of this rainy weather. I suppose Palmer will be home tomorrow. I wonder what Aunt M~ thinks of this storm. Tonight Palmer has his exhibition. I wish it were a pleasant evening.

Thursday, May 19, 1881

This morning I found the screen I had fixed would not do and as Papa would not let me cut the cloth's horse I got some slats and took them to Mr. Cass to joint and put feet on. I took Annie's plant home thinking they would be home today but Mrs. C~ has heard nothing from them. I think it is very strange. Papa is half drunk tonight. I took the patch I got for a screen and covered the ragged rocking chair in the dining room and felt paid for my work it looks so much better.

Friday, May 20, 1881

I felt so tired and sick this morning I could hardly keep up and just as soon as I got through my work I went to bed and slept until nearly one, then I dressed and went to school to hear Phil declaim. I liked Miss Veasy very much and I think she is a good teacher. I am very tried tonight; Mama had a postal from Aunt M~ saying she would be home the first pleasant morning which we thought to be tomorrow but tonight it is cloudy and looks like more rain.

Saturday, May 21, 1881

This morning was again rainy and is still at it tonight. I do wish we could have pleasant weather, but then Palmer will be home and I don't know which is worse. I went up to Mr. Cassie for the screen but he had not finished it of course. Abbie was in tonight and wanted to know if I knew when P~ was coming home, it is too ridiculous to have everyone asking me about him, it makes me terrible all over. I played cards with Papa. Mrs. Wells came to wash in spite of the rain. I finished my blue cambric dress.

Sunday, May 22, 1881

"The storm is past, the green hillside is streaked with evening gleams, Let out through rents you dark clouds, Day's last and loveliest beams". Mama, Papa, Abbie and Phil went over to the Tarlton
Place. I stayed home alone and read, "Pilgrim's of the Rhino", and ran way over in the pasture for the cow. Abbie came to tea after which I went up to Walter's and had a pleasant talk with Mrs. C~ and Jenny but how lonely I feel tonight and how I wish Palmer were coming home to me. I do hope Aunt M~ will get away before he comes home. How full of sorrow this life is. Mama does seem well and I fear for (her) health this summer.

Monday, May 23, 1881

Went to the depot for Aunt M~. She is talking of leaving for N.Y. in the morning and I think it is a good plan. "They who have loved know that there is a diary of the affections, which we might keep for years without even having occasion to touch upon the exterior surface of life our busy occupations, the mechanical progress of our existence; yet by the last are we judged; the first is never known. History reveals men's dark, men's outward characters but not themselves. There are two lives for each of us gliding on at the same time, the life of our actions, the life of our minds. The griefs of youth may make the fame of maturity. If grief's help me along in this world certainly I ought to be something for I have more than it seems possible for me to bear. I am glad it is such a lovely night for Palmer has his exhibition tonight. He has been waiting for a pleasant evening.

Tuesday, May 24, 1881

This morning I took Aunt M~ to the depot to start for N.Y. -- she gave me fifty cents, poor soul, she is so good to me; it really seems lonesome to have her gone. I was sick and went onto the bed as soon as I got home. Palmer and Annie were to come tonight. How I dread to have him home and yet how I long to see him. The wide world seems so desolate to me and everywhere I go I feel the lack of some presence which none other can fill. Papa has been half drunk and ugly all day. I have not seen him since morning.

Wednesday, May 25, 1881

This morning went to the store and got the screen that Mr. Heart made. When I got home I found it was short and after I got through my work, I went up to his house and asked him to come down and fix it. As I came home I caught a glimpse of some one I thought was Palmer, but it was at a distance and I was not sure. How strange it seems to have him home and not come down. I wish he would come for I want to see him very much. Papa was drunk all night and cross as a bear this morning. Augustus Chesley came to buy the Tarlton Place but I guess could not trade with him. Mrs. Wells has been here cleaning. It is a dismal cloudy night and the wind is East.

Thursday, May 26, 1881

Nothing particular happened. Palmer has not been up. Augustus C~ is here this evening trying to trade with Papa. I guess he finds him a hard customer. Phil and I went to the store and I got the screen. I did not get as much as a glimpse of Palmer. I wonder where he keeps himself.

Friday, May 27, 1881

Abbie has been her sewing for Phil all day; it seems like old times to have her here. This morning I made cake and finished that old screen: in the p.m. sewed on my jacket. Miss Veasy came and stayed to tea after which I played to her, and we took a short walk. Then her sister came for her. Phil and I went to the office for her dresses and we met Palmer on the Langley hill in the very spot I met him last May. He looked very handsome. I wish he would come up for I want to see him. It is too funny to hear Abbie talk about him, she has no idea of what has happened.

Saturday, May 28, 1881

Another day and Palmer has not been near. My dear old book, what a comfort it is to come to you and tell all my thoughts which I can tell no person. No one could guess what I have suffered the past few days and although P~ has been unkind to me I can but love him. Mama doesn't realize what he is to me or she would not say such hard things about him. It seems impossible to me that Palmer should give me occasion for such suffering, he always seemed to try so hard to help me bear all trouble.

Sunday, May 29, 1881

Well, I did think Palmer would be down today but he has not come, I wonder if he thinks he hurts me any, he only injures himself. I hate to have him do so, for I feel just the same towards him; one dislikes to have a friend do anything to make people dislike them or lose respect for them. Mama can never overlook this in him but I hope she will not talk about him to me for I can't bear to have him talked against. I used to look forward to Decoration Day, but tomorrow will be like all other days.

Monday, May 30, 1881

I forgot to write on Monday and I full this up later. Nothing happened that I remember except that Palmer did not come down. Phil and I went to the office in the evening and saw him driving home the cow but he was out of sight when we got to the barn. Papa has been drunk all day but not very ugly. He has gone to bed and I guess will be all right in the morning. Abbie has been sewing. I commenced my practicing today and got two hours and a half in early. I hope to get three if I can manage it.

Tuesday, May 31, 1881

Abbie has been sewing for Phil. Phil told me since supper that she saw Palmer driving away with his trunk so he has gone and not even made a ceremonious call. I don't know what to think of him. I suppose it is all for the best, but I think he might at least have called. I thought, of course, he would. He has gone to Concord to study with Dr. Shad Morrill. I am glad he is to study with him. I told Abbie all about our writing tonight and she was as puzzled as all the rest. My practicing was interrupted today and I only practiced one hour and a half. Mr. Brown was down to see us this p.m.

Wednesday, June 1, 1881

Abbie has been here this p.m. I cleaned up the sitting room and dining room , then I practiced and took a nap. Philly and I went to call on Miss Veasy, I think she is lovely. Annie C~ came out when I took the mail up, and her mother came to the window and asked why I was not more neighborly; she knows why. Papa is quite indignant with Palmer because he did not come down and I don't wonder. Well, he will learn better when he has been out more.

Thursday, June 2, 1881

Nothing happened and I don't feel in the mood for writing. Philly and I went down to call on Annie but she had gone to Concord to election, and came home just as I was starting to leave, she was very pleasant and urged me to come down often.

Friday, June 3, 1881

It has been sort of a dreary dismal day. I spent the p.m. on the hill and had a very pleasant time. Mama seems some better today. I hope it will be pleasant tomorrow for I want to go to C~.

Saturday, June 4, 1881

It was a dreary rainy morning and I gave up going to C~ and slept very late; about noon the sun came out and I went for Charley in the pasture and started off to C~ about one. It was past three when reached C~ and I did all my errands before going to call on the Binets. I had a pleasant time and Phil enjoy it. I saw nothing of Palmer; I saw lots of nice looking men but none that looked so good to me as the ones I did not see. I could not have believed I would think so much of any one, it is so hard to give him up. The Binets seemed very glad to see me. Saw Francis Adams and Ed Pearson on the street. Spent B. (about) $70, but part was for Mama and future cash for Aunt M~. It was nine o'clock when we got home.

Sunday, June 5, 1881

I was so tired I did nothing scarcely all day. Annie C~ called in the afternoon. Philly and I went to the office toward evening and there came a tremendous shower; we called at Jeffrey Brown's and waited till the rain ceased. Annie says nothing about Palmer.

Monday, June 6, 1881

I was so tired I had to come up stairs and take a nap just as soon as I got the work done. Papa has been working on the road and had to have an extra lunch and I made bread. Abbie has been sewing this p.m. and I partly trimmed her hat. Mr. Knowles came for her and she had to go. We had quite a talk about Palmer, how queer the old boy acts, I would think he would send for his letters any way. I wish we could have some nice summer weather, these days are so cold.

Tuesday, June 7, 1881

Mrs. Wells was here washing and everything was confusion. I filled the wood box full of wood. Mr. Brown came to see us and Mama proposed going to Tarlton Place, but I was so tired I went to bed and slept all the afternoon. Mama, Phil and I went to the office in the evening.

Wednesday, June 8, 1881

Churned, starched my clothes and baked, then I was ready to enjoy the day although it has been cloudy and misty the air has been soft and beautiful, more like summer than any day we have had for a long time. Mama and I drove to the depot to get her "magic conf". I forgot to take Abbie's card so I started to go to Mr. Hall's with it but met Dr. French and asked him to mail it. Then I ran into the Chesley's for a few minutes but heard not a word of Palmer. Had a letter from H.B.B. and Mama heard from Aunt M~.

Thursday, June 9, 1881

Did the work in the morning. Mama and I went to try and sell the magic conf. We went to all the store(s) around here and to Short Falls. We left a box at every store. Papa was half drunk when we got home and is now quite drunk. He told me Mr. Green had attached the property here.

Friday, June 10, 1881

Washed all the morning; cleaned the silver, etc. It was so rainy I thought nobody would come in but just as I got ready for a good long nap, Phil came running up and said that Mr. Brown had come. I told her to tell him we were lying down and would be down by and bye. I thought it was John Brown but I heard him speak and I knew it was Jeffrey so I dressed and went down, we played back gammon and euchre all the p.m. I had a very pleasant time.

Saturday, June 11, 1881

I haven't had a minute to rest today. Got Papa's room and the spare room in order today and washed out some things in the morning. Phil and I went to the office and I called to see if Mrs. Brown would like to ride up and while there who should I see but Palmer coming up the hill. I was so surprised to see him yet I had a feeling he was coming.

Sunday, June 12, 1881

Slept quite late and then finished the work early to have a good long day for rest. I wrote two letters and after supper Mama and I went over the hill and up to the office. Papa, Abbie and I went to Mrs. Wells to get her to come and clean tomorrow for Lucy Ann is going away. Saw or heard nothing of Palmer. I wonder why he does not call. Perhaps he thinks I don't want him to.

Monday, June 13, 1881

Mama and I washed some clothes this morning and I washed the dining room floor. I rest a while to be fresh when Mrs. Wells came and we cleaned the two front entries, put the parlor carpet down, and got things in some kind of shape. Tomorrow she is coming to wash and clean. Abbie has been in but was very tired and she is not good company when in that mood. I am very tired tonight. Have not had a moment to practice.

Tuesday, June 14, 1881

Mrs. Wells came up to wash and clean; she washed the bedding and cleaned up stairs. I put up the curtains in the parlor and arranged the room, partly fixed the curtains for the sitting room, and sewed on my waist with Abbie. I am awfully tired tonight. Mama says I am dreadfully cross. If she knew how hard I had tried to be pleasant and realized how provoking she has been, she would not have said such a thing.

Wednesday, June 15, 1881

Got up quite early and made butter. Finished the curtains for the sitting room and put them up - the rooms seem to be in pretty good order now. I have not had one minute to practice. Finished my blouse waist this p.m. and like it ever so much. Phil and I went to the office and Annie C~ went with us. Papa has been drunk all day but very pleasant. He went away this forenoon and the cow got out and went off. Walter finally got her and kept her. I expect Miss Veasy tomorrow evening to spend the night with me.

Thursday, June 16, 1881

Worked hard all the morning and hurried in order to get through in time to take a nap. Annie Chesley came down in the morning and got some slips. I was at work and could not see much of her. I went for Miss Veasy and Phil, we had to go to that "show" which proved to be a miserable affair and is now eleven o'clock when we got home and we are both, all so tried and for nothing

Friday, June 17, 1881

I was so tired this morning it seemed as if I could not get up but I did and took Philly and Miss Veasy to school. I promised to go in to school with Annie this p.m. and started but met Hattie and Eta just beyond the hill; rode and came back with them; we had a pleasant little visit from them. Miss Veasy called and got her things. Papa has been very cross. I rode to the office with Hattie and walked home from the lower turn.

Saturday, June 18, 1881

Papa has been very drunk all day and as cross as he could live until supper time then he was silly; he was storming around all last night and knocked Mama's vase off and broke it. He has thrown away or put away all of his money $225 and nobody knows where it is. I went to carry some medicine to Mrs. S~ but they had company and I went with Mr. Wallace to the P.O. His horse goes so slowly he was gone over two hours, and it was after nine when we got home. Mr. Ambrose was here to tell me his daughter would begin music lessons next Tuesday. I am so glad.

Sunday, June 19, 1881

Have been real sick all day; did not get up till late and could not sit up then. This evening I feel some better. Mama and Abbie have gone to gather some wild flowers for Mrs. Olmsted. I am to carry them to the depot in the morning. It has been a beautiful day, if I felt well I believe I should go to church this evening but I don't feel able. Oh! my dear little puss where are you today and do you know how _____ misses you, oh! for one look at dear sweet face which has gone about lands we knew not, how long and how strange the days seem without you. If you could only come back.

Monday, June 20, 1881

Mama and I went to the depot to start a box to Mrs. Olmsted. We found some freight there but brought only a small part of it home. I had to lye down when I got home I felt so sick and it was afternoon when I got up. I sewed on my old cambric dress and finished the skirt. Helped Mama a little about the dishes. I feel about sick tonight. Tomorrow I go to give my first music lesson to Miss Ambrose. Mrs. Bickford came down to get a bottle of magic conf.

Tuesday, June 21, 1881

Felt some better today. Philly was to bring some of her friends home with her from school so I baked some this morning. This p.m. we had a heavy shower and the water was full of sulpher. Gave Miss Ambrose her first lesson in music today. I want her to get along fast. I like her very much. I got some fancy seeds of Mrs. A~. This evening I put out all the plants.

Wednesday, June 22, 1881

This morning after breakfast I made bread, churned, washed, and washed the floor. I was so tired I slept two hours, then I blackened the stove and got dinner. The two Batchelder girls were here to dine: when we got the dishes about half done, Hattie and Mrs. Prescott called and I played to them. Mrs. P~ is just lovely, she looks very tired and much worn. Went to the office and Annie C~ went with me, brought Abbie home. She knows to whom Palmer is engaged but she won't tell me for they made her promise not to tell me. I didn't urge her.

Thursday, June 23, 1881

Abbie has been here sewing for Phil today and I commenced my light dress. I had no idea of making it this summer, but I shall be glad to have it. Mr. Wells has been helping Papa and of course (he?) had to drink but he is not very drunk. Mama and Phil have gone for strawberries but I wanted to sew and felt too tired to go. I had a nice letter from Mrs. Dermitt tonight. I am very tired tonight and have dreadful pains in my head. I had such a beautiful dream last night. I was walking with some one and came across the most lovely lake I ever saw.

Friday, June 24, 1881

I cooked and helped Mrs. Wells about the washing, sewed all the p.m. and started at half past four to give my music lesson. After that, went to the office and the store. I got my dress nicely started. I have got a dreadful headache.

Saturday, June 25, 1881

My head ached so badly I could not get up this morning and I asked Mama to get breakfast. I got about half an hour to sew before dinner. This afternoon we had settled down to have a nice long time to sew when Abbie saw a smoke from the hog house. I went out and found the ash tub on fire, we pryed up the floor and found the sleeper burned half off. Papa was away drunk and we had to do all ourselves. Annie Chesley went to the office with me and we met Palmer coming home. I am so tired tonight and seeing Palmer has entirely upset me.

Sunday, June 26, 1881

What a strange monotonous life we lead, no excitement, no change, the same round of work and rest every day. Mr. Brown came to see us today and is going to spend the night. Palmer did not come down, I guess he never will. Last night just as I was most asleep, Papa called us to see a comet. It was lovely but not so brilliant as the one I saw five years ago I think it was. Wrote to Helen today and asked her to get me some things. I must begin work again.

Monday, June 27, 1881

Mama and I washed some clothes, at least Mama washed and I rinsed some of them. Went to the office to mail a letter to Helen. Pressed my dress and several other things. Had a nap and put the trimming on to my light dress. Phil and I went to the depot and got the things that came from Cambridge. Annie C~ was round to get money for a picnic on the fourth. A letter from Helen tonight saying she is coming Friday evening. I am so glad I saw nothing of Palmer or Walter.

Tuesday, June 28, 1881

This morning churned, ironed, etc. Mr. Hall was here and he said Mr. C~ had his sheep in the S. pasture, so I went over to see him and he said he would take them out just as soon as the berries begin to ripen. Gave my music lesson and sewed when I got home. Papa is half drunk and cross. Today I was twenty one and although I have been very busy have been pretty happy.

Wednesday, June 29, 1881

Last night we had a tremendous shower and wind. The rain and hail beat against my window and I could feel the wind blow way on my bed. The lightening was terrible. I stood it as long as I could then I got up and went into Mama's room. Hattie came this evening and she said they had terrible showers north, homes were blown down, windows broken, and crops spoiled. Papa has been awfully drunk all day he was tearing round all night. I have got my dress along nicely and can do considerably on it tomorrow. It seems so pleasant to have Hattie here. She is just lovely but of course has her faults.

Thursday, June 30, 1881

This morning we sewed as hard as we could and after dinner we went to the Tarlton Place on a picnic. Hattie seemed to have such a nice time. She and I went over to the brook and I went all over the ledges to see if the berries were ripe. I think I shall go by Monday for there are a great many ripe. I am so tired tonight.

Friday, July 1, 1881

I could not sew much today. I had to give a music lesson then take Hattie home then go to the depot to meet Helen. I was sorry to have Hattie go home; she is such good company. It seems good to see Helen, she is the same sweet girl of old. Palmer came home tonight and came and talked with me at the office, he was just the same as ever; my heart leapt so I could hardly talk. Oh I love him still. I wish I never had to see him for it made me feel that I can not give him up. He seemed just as kind as ever. He is going away and Annie, too.

Saturday, July 2, 1881

Slept quite late this morning for Papa called me last night to see the comet and I did not sleep till late. Papa has been so drunk and ugly we could not stay in the house. Helen and I went down to Mrs. Slaters and stayed to tea from there we went to the office and heard of the assassination of President Garfield, he was shot by a Frenchman but they think he will recover.

Sunday, July 3, 1881

Helen and I went to church; Hattie, Uncle Henry, and Etta were there. Walter C~ went with us and came home and unharnessed Charley. In the evening, we went over to call on the Mosher's. Poor Grace seems very homesick and she feels obliged to go to the picnic tomorrow. The news came that Garfield is dead -- how sad it is; and Arthur will be President of the United States, how horrid.

Monday, July 4, 1881

Went berrying at ten o'clock and came home at half past three. I got three qts. and a half; poor Helen spilt hers and could not sell them. I carried mine up and only got twelve cents a qt. for them but that is better than nothing. Garfield is still living but not out of danger. I hope he will live. I am so tired tonight every bone in my body aches.

Tuesday, July 5, 1881

Went berrying all alone; walked across and onto the ledges. It was so still there, I could not hear a sound save the sounds of nature, the wind soughing through the trees and the various songs of the birds, some high some low some sweet some soft. I saw the most peculiar bird, it was grey with a white streak across its wings, a head like a mouse and a mouth like a frog. I got two and a half qts. of berries. Went to give my lesson. H~ went with me.

Wednesday, July 6, 1881

Went berrying and am awfully tired, got six qts. The Moshers came over and they say they are going on the ledges tomorrow. Garfield is gaining, good news for the world.

Thursday, July 7, 1881

Helen, Belle and I went berrying and we picked almost every one we could find, we did not find the Moshers, but Mama said they were there. I am so sorry. I got four qts. lacking a gill we had a great deal of fun over it but I was too tired to even pick that. Papa was up to Michaels and was half drunk this morning. I have not seen him tonight.

Friday, July 8, 1881

This morning stayed home and cooked. H~ helped me. In the afternoon, H~ and I went to school, met Floss there and she came home from school to tea; after that we went to the office and over with Floss. She came home with us so to be here in the morning to go berrying. We have had a jolly time; it seems so good to see some one who is something. We played and sang together.

Saturday, July 9, 1881

Floss, Helen and I went on the ledges berrying. I got three qts. and made up two dollars and a little more. Miss Ambrose was waiting for me when I got home, but had not time to take her lesson until after she went to the depot. The Moshers went to the office for Papa as I could not go and Papa cursed me because they all went; he is half drunk and ugly as he can live. I am very tired tonight and am glad tomorrow is Sunday.

Sunday, July 10, 1881

I planned to rest all day today and got nicely fixed in the hammock but Papa was so drunk and ugly I found it was no use, so Helen and I went over to the Griffins and stayed with the Moshers all the p.m. Mama went out in the pines. It has been a very hot day and my room today is like an oven. I hope it will rain tomorrow so I can sew instead of berrying.

Monday, July 11, 1881

I was so tired this morning. It was so hot last night none of us could sleep. I sewed on my dress and went to Abbie's this afternoon to finish it; she says she will cut me a plaited waist. I made the plaiting for the sleeves. In the evening the Moshers came over and we had some lovely music, it seemed so pleasant. Aunt L~ sent my feather, it is lovely and cost only $2.75. I paid Helen and have $1.55 remaining. Shall go berrying tomorrow if pleasant.

Tuesday, July 12, 1881

Went down to Walter's pasture berrying; got four qts. Miss Kate Paul is visiting there, that of course means she is engaged to P~. Came home at four to give my lesson. Miss Ambrose is not going to take any more lessons for two or three weeks. I am very sorry for she is getting along so nicely. I am dreadfully tired tonight.

Wednesday, July 13, 1881

This morning it rained and I gave up berrying; about ten I took my budgets and started for Miss Abbie's. She cut my waist and I made some sleeves. I hope to finish my dress this week. Poor little Phil seems real sick today; she is feverish and has slept most of the p.m. About half past three I went down in Mr. Wallace's berrying but got only a qt. That was all I could find. Went to Mr. Halls with Lewis Wells and made a call on Mrs. Brown, stopped at the C~'s, met P~ and Miss Paul on my way home.

Thursday, July 14, 1881

Went down for Annie; Miss Paul was in the kitchen so of course they introduced me. She seems very sweet but I could hardly say pretty: quite tall and slight and two years older than Palmer. Annie and I came home about three. I got seven qts. and a half. This evening I found I was sick and had to write a note to Belle telling her I could not go tomorrow. I am sorry for I thought I could a good many tomorrow and next day.

Friday, July 15, 1881

Paid J.D. Langley twenty dollars to settle all accounts except the contract Paid also on contract for getting the fifty five dollars. Have been sick all day; did not get up till noon and then I could hardly sit up. This p.m. felt some better and sewed on my dress. Belle came in this evening and I showed her my dress; she thought it lovely. Maud came over but the other girls did not. Mama and Abbie went berrying and has not got back yet although it is most nine o'clock.

Saturday, July 16, 1881

Felt very well this morning. About ten Papa came to me to know if I would go to Concord. Helen and I fixed up and went and such a time as we had. About six o'clock I was so sick I could not stand up. We went into a store and I sat down and when I felt able went up to Miss Edmunds and she was perfectly lovely, also was Mrs. Morrill and Dr. I tried to come away before the Dr. came in but Miss E~ detained me and I was obliged to see him. He was very pleasant and I was glad to see but it seemed very sad.

Sunday, July 17, 1881

I did not get up till late this morning for I felt some of the sickness of yesterday. Helen and I were on the bed most all day. Flossie called on her way to church, we were too tired to go. The Moshers came over in the evening and Grace and I went to the office. I feel very tired and sick: and it is very cold.

Monday, July 18, 1881

Was too tired to go berrying so slept very late. Trimmed my bonnet, fixed my hat, helped a little down stairs, swept my room and the passage ways, and went to sleep. Maud came over and we walked to Mr. Hall's to get the mail. Had a postal from Hattie asking us to come up for tea on Wed. Papa is drunk and ugly as he can be. Saw Palmer and Miss Paul this evening, she did not look a bit pretty.

Tuesday, July 19, 1881

Slept late, but felt rested when I did get up. We all went berrying. I got ten qts. Grace and I went to the store after Mr. Wells got home from Concord. Am very tired. Hattie came down this afternoon to ask us up.

Wednesday, July 20, 1881

Helen and I walked up to Uncle Henries through the woods, we had a lovely walk. Mr. Towle and his wife were there; she is really charming. I was very pleasantly surprised with her. M T~ is still the same good-hearted blunt fellow. We had a lovely time. Mrs. Swain will fix my waist Friday which I found so narrow across the chest I could not wear it. Am pretty tired for I baked this morning and we walked both ways.

Thursday, July 21, 1881

We had tremendous showers last night and I thought today would be rainy, but this morning the sun shone forth in all its glory, and we started for the berry pasture about half past ten. Mamma came over toward evening about seven; we gathered together our several bundles and started for home, leaving our berries in the Tarlton house. I had thirteen qts., Helen seven qts., Phil one pint. We found Papa drunk, he had been ugly to Mama and she went away. He took the dinner off the stove before it was half done. He said young Mr. Sanderson called and he tool him all through the house. He must have been charmed, my bed was not made, and Helen's room was in disorder.

Friday, July 22, 1881

Maud made her appearance this morning before we had finished breakfast. Helen was not able to go over to see her so she stayed all day. Swept the sitting room. This afternoon went up to Mrs. Swain's and she fitted my waist over. Went to tea at Mrs. Cottrell's. I had a very pleasant time. Mrs. C~ brought me home. The people we saw in a buggy at the Grant Place proved to be Otis Swain and his family. They are boarding in Chichester.

Saturday, July 23, 1881

As it rained, could not go berrying. The Moshers have been here all day. Grace read to me while I sewed; finished my light dress. Flossie and I went to the office; I had a real nice time with her; she is so jolly. I got caught in stepping from wagon tonight and was thrown on to the stone step in front of the store, fortunately I was not hurt. Am very sleepy as usual.

Sunday, July 24, 1881

We loafed round all the day. I did manage to write to Fred and Cora then went to sleep in the hammock. Papa was drinking and ugly. This evening he would not let me have Charley to call on the Towles, so I got Mr. W~'s horse and Helen and I went over. We had a lovely call. I wish I could invite them here to tea, but that is impossible. Mr. W~ only asked a quarter and did not want to take that.

Monday, July 25, 1881

Annie C~ and I went berrying all day. Belle carried us over and Walter came for us; he brought the berries part way for us. They were so heavy, it seemed as if we never could get them from the ledges. Annie had about twelve qts. and I nearly fourteen. I don't know exactly how much I shall have for Annie took them up for me. I am awfully tired. It commenced to rain just after I got home and if Walter had not come for us early we would have got very wet.

Tuesday, July 26, 1881

Maud and Grace came over this morning. Grace did not stop but Maud waited for Helen to go over with her and spend the night. Papa has been drunk and ugly all day. I started off after dinner to stay until bedtime, stopped at Mrs. Wallace's and then went down to the Chesley's. I hadn't been there long when Grace and Floss came driving old Charley, and asked me to go to the office. When we got to the Hall's we met Walter Pearson and Kate Eatin coming to our house and they are here to spend the night. Papa was quite pleasant tonight and would not let the girls walk home, he got Wilbur Wells to drive them over.

Wednesday, July 27, 1881

Annie and I went berrying most all day, at least Annie went out but was sick and had to come in so Erma Kelly went with me and Belle came out after dinner. I got eleven qts. The girls came over and walked to the office but Grace stayed and read to me I was so tired. As Mama is going away, Grace stayed with me tonight. I am so glad she could stay for she is just lovely.

Thursday, July 28, 1881

Mama went this morning and we had the house all to ourselves. I washed the dishes and swept, made the beds, etc. Then started Helen and Maud out to pick some beans and peas while I ironed and Grace read to me. About luncheon time Mr. Brown made his appearance and I was so tired. I got him luncheon and then came up stairs for a rest; Grace read to me then I had a nap. After dinner we were going for Mama but there came a dreadful shower and we let her stay all night. Persuaded Grace to stay with me. We went to bed about eight o'clock but Papa and Mr. B~ talked for a long time. Grace told me scary stories until I fell asleep.

Friday, July 29, 1881

This morning Papa was half drunk but pleasant until I asked him for the horse to go for Mama then he said something about having Mama's boarders over here all the time. Carried Grace home then Helen and I went up for Mama, we had a lovely time. After we got home I had a nap then Helen, Maud, Gertie Towles, Phil and myself walked to the office. We had a jolly time.

Saturday, July 30, 1881

Worked all the morning, cooked and then I rested, after that, dinner and then I started for the Griffins tonight. We played tenis (tennis) till we could not see then we came in and talked with the G~'s until Maud and Flos came in with the mail. They brought me a letter from Fred and one from Carroll. It seems so quiet here and Papa is drinking tonight.

Sunday, July 31, 1881

This morning we all went to the pond after walking to Ben Yeaton's we found the boat had gone so Willie W~ , Silas and Ada went to Mr. Bakers to get that boat and rowed down the river for us. We had a delightful time. Mama sent for me to come home about four. I came only to find Mrs. Steele here and Papa so drunk he could hardly walk straight. I came up to my own room to write to Fred but was interrupted by a call from Mr. & Mrs. Towle and Papa in such a condition. I was mortified.

Monday, August 1, 1881

Today Mama went to Concord. I went berrying and met Mrs. C~ and Mrs. Swain on the ledges however, I am going with Mr. and Mrs. Cottrell. Picked eleven qts. today but only got six qts. The Moshers have been over and I am dreadfully tired.

Tuesday, August 2, 1881

Mr. and Mrs. Cottrell did not come to go berrying so I went to C~'s and got about eleven qts. by Sumner's measure but only ten by his wife's. Wrote to Carroll to come next Monday. Am dreadfully tired and lame.

Wednesday, August 3, 1881

Just as we were going to sleep last night we heard the Dorister's hollering at a great rate and on looking out saw there (their) buildings on fire. It frightened dreadfully; and the poor things lost their cow. Today I went berrying all alone and I was sure I heard someone in the L. hum and tonight I am fully convinced for Mr. Ben Hall's buildings have been set on fire. I shall never dare go again. I was afraid to go over to the S~ place for my berries so I left them there and took six qts. and a half to the store.

Thursday, August 4, 1881

I was so tired and it was too hot to go berrying. Maud has been here most all day. Tonight we went up to Walter's and Frank took H~ and W~ to the office. It was so late when we got home Flossie had gone and Maud is to stay all night. Papa has been drinking all day. A letter from C~.

Friday, August 5, 1881

We loafed around all the morning. Mama and I went on the hill to tea; Emily was lovely. Maud stayed with Helen. We rode home with Frank, he was very pleasant; and is going to take us to the depot in the morning. Papa has been drinking some all day but is not very drunk now.

Saturday, August 6, 1881

Mama was not able to go to C~ so I wrote a note and went it to Hall's to mail it. After the work was done went to Miss Abbie's with Florence and Maud and stayed all day. Had a real pleasant time. Maud and I went to the office with Frank. The stage was more than an hour late, one of the horses had "blind staggers" and had to hire a horse to go to L~. Papa has been drinking all day and is rather silly tonight.

Sunday, August 7, 1881

Helen, Phil and myself went over to the Griffins with Willis Wells as escort in a pouring rain: we were so wet when we got there we had to borrow shoes and stockings. Grace gave me an old dress, a sack, two pairs of stockings, a neck tie and a skirt. I was very glad to have them. Grace and Maud came over and stayed until nearly eight. I have a dreadful headache and a stomach ache. I intended to write to Mrs. Dermitt today but have had no time.

Monday, August 8, 1881

Helen and I helped about the work, I made some cake but it was dreadful. H~ and I got some beans for dinner. Flossie came over about three. I took Charley and we went to the store. Grace and Maud came over and we all walked to the office. Papa has been drunk all day. We had a nice dance this evening and I am awfully tired.

Tuesday, August 9, 1881

I was dreadfully sick all last night and I had to take my last two powders. They did not wholly relieve me and Hattie called Mama and she applied Laudanum. Got up about noon. Helen and I got supper and Mama cleared it away. The three girls were here to dinner. We had a dance tonight but neither Grace nor I could dance. We both felt sick. Papa has been drunk all day but very pleasant; he was extremely kind to the girls.

Wednesday, August 10, 1881

This morning we all started for concord. Papa was raving when he found Mama and I were going. We had a lovely time going up. Franceis A. met Flos at the depot and we walked up (the) street together. Phil and I went to Mrs. Dermitt's to dinner. Went to the Drs. he is perfectly lovely and so kind. Came home in the cars. Annie C~ met me at Suncook, saw Palmer at the Drs. and met a Miss Bradley there from the west, she was lovely. Mama met Papa just going to Concord when she got home. It seems so lonesome to have the girls all gone, especially Helen, dear girl, she is so pleasant.

Thursday, August 11, 1881

I was going to rest all day today but Papa told me expected company so Mama and I cleaned up and cooked a little and so forth, it was two o'clock when we got through and I was awfully tired. After resting, I cut some flowers and arranged the table for tea and after all, the gentlemen did not come. Mr. B~ was down today and told us Walter S~ was in and tonight he and Emily came down. It did seem good to see the dear fellow; he is so jolly and pleasant. Papa seems disappointed because his friend did not come and I am sorry, too. Went over to Wallace's for the mail and Frank kindly escorted me home.

Friday, August 12, 1881

As soon as I could get ready, marched down to Abbie's with my light dress to be fixed. She was sewing on her duster to wear tomorrow to a funeral. Spent the whole p.m. with her and (had) a very pleasant time. After dinner, went to the office and didn't get a single thing. Am awfully tired tonight. Nathan is here and I suppose he and Papa will have to drink.

Saturday, August 13, 1881

This morning as I expected, Papa was raving. Nathan was telling him all sorts of thing and got him to drinking. I could not stay at home and went to Uncle Henrie's, found Walter and Emily away but had a delightful time. Walter B~ brought me down. Papa has been twitting all day about Frank W~. Mrs. W~ is very indignant with him. I am tired and out of sorts tonight.

Sunday, August 14, 1881

I was quite surprised to find I was sick this morning. I did not get (up) till five p.m. and then I had to lye down. Mama was away till six and as I was too ill to get supper, Papa got it; he was just as pleasant as could be and we had a nice little dinner, only, I could eat nothing. I wanted to write today but have not been able.

Monday, August 15, 1881

Have been real sick all day. This p.m. I had to put Laudanum on my stomach, it pained me so badly. Then I went to sleep and slept so soundly that I didn't know where I was when I woke. Walter and Uncle Henry came down this evening. Had a letter from Helen and Mama (had) one from Mrs. O~. Helen is to be married in Oct. to Mr. Swain. I am so glad.

Tuesday, August 16, 1881

Felt a great deal better today, helped Mama some. Mrs. W~ came to wash and I starched all my clothes and hung out part of the others. This evening I went over to Wallace's to go to the office with Frank, but Emily and Hattie came down and I came home but they did not stop and I went back. The President is worse and they fear can not live: stocks went down and everything was confused. I do hope he will recover.

Wednesday, August 17, 1881

Feel quite like myself today, but not quite as strong as usual. Papa has been just as pleasant as could be all day, he and Phil went to the store and got all we needed. He sold some apples. I backed and helped about the work generally.

Thursday, August 18, 1881

It was so stormy we could not have our picnic as we intended. After we finished our work, we all (excepting Papa, he would not go) went on the hill and spent the p.m. Walter had gone or was just going fishing. We had a lovely time. Got home about half-past seven and found Papa gone so I unharnessed Charley as much as I could and put him in the barn.

Friday, August 19, 1881

This morning was stormy so we had to give up the picnic again. Mama went down to Abbie's and I stayed home alone. About three, Phil, Hattie, and Willie came up. I played and sang to them. Then I amused Willie by playing cards with him. He brought lots of water and did several little chores for me, he seems like a very nice boy. Phil and I went to the office and Frank came over with us and played cards. He was very pleasant. Papa wouldn't play. He went off to Nathan's, Well's, or somewhere. He is very pleasant, but has been drinking.

Saturday, August 20, 1881

Phil and I drove Frank to the depot. Gertie Forbes came home with her and stayed with Phil till three then Phil went home with her and stayed until I came home from the depot. I started to mail. (Met) Frank about quarter past five, had to mail for fifteen minutes. He had a lady friend, Miss Marden, with him. She was very pleasant and I invited Frank to call with her. Papa was not home when I got back. Called to see how Mr. L~ was getting along.

Sunday, August 21, 1881

It was cloudy again this morning. It seems as if we should never have pleasant weather. I went to Mr. W~'s and carried the paper Frank let me take last evening, then went to Abbie's. On my way home met Mr. Cilley with some creatures and I frightened them so they ran up the lane and way over in the field. He was very much provoked. Met Mr. Albert Eastman at Abbie's. He is a fine looking man. Feel dreadfully stupid tonight. Papa has gone to Mr. Cilley's tonight. He is away every night now.

Monday, August 22, 1881

I slept very late this morning. I was so tired. About half past twelve there was a great racket at my door and Papa hollered to me to open the door. I was so frightened. I unlocked the door and he walked in, wanted to know what I locked the door for, and ordered me to leave them open, which I did not do, and told me I had better find some other place to sleep. I came down to Abbie's at one to get her to fix my dress, at half past four I went home; Abbie (came) with me. We found Papa asleep under the trees with the house all closed save the back door. We went in and found a note from Mama saying she was on the hill and I could stay where I wished. We then went over to Mr. Wallace's and found they had had quite a scene there. I stayed there till dark then Frank and Miss Marden brought me to Abbie's. Papa came over to W~'s while I was there and I heard the whole conversation which was evidently not meant for my ears.

Tuesday, August 23, 1881

I kept waiting and waiting and to hear whether Mama was home or not. About three o'clock Arthur Griffin said she had come and afterward, Mrs. Wells came over and said she was home so I came home and found her here and Papa was pleasant. Mama and I went to the office and met Phil on the Chase hill, she went (with) us and this ends this day. Garfield is just alive, what a change it will make if he dies.

Wednesday, August 24, 1881

It has been a kind of a dismal day. Mama and I went berrying at the Tarlton Place. First I drove to the Walter's to take them some apples. Walter went over with us to look for his cattle and he helped me get the plumbs; we found a basket and a stick under the plumb tree. We had a feast on the plumbs. Papa has been down to get cider I am sorry to say. Philly went to the office with Willie Wells and they didn't hear a word about the President.

Thursday, August 25, 1881

Last night about one o'clock I was awakened by the strangest noise, it sounded like a man trying (to) bark. Mama and I came downstairs and light wakened Papa, he was half-drunk, but they went down stairs and found everything all right. Papa was rather wired this morning. He got up about four o'clock and we did not see him except running down the field until noon when he came in for his lunch. He had Mama's revolver and he wanted the cartridges as he had fired it off in the field.

Friday, August 26, 1881

Didn't do very much work for I had planned to call on Miss Veasy. Phil and I started about half past one, we walked the horse all the way and I read to Philly from "_red". We called on Carrie Griffin first and then came back the V~'s and stayed to tea. We had a very nice time. After I got home, went to Wallace's for the mail and Frank walked home with me. I expected Papa would be angry but he said nothing. The President is just alive.

Saturday, August 27, 1881

I swept, dusted, etc. Phil and I had promised to go out on the pond with Frank at one, but it was so warm we deferred it till three. We went to Mr. Veasy's for a boat and Mrs. Veasy spoke to me and insisted on my going into the house to play. I had a very pleasant time. Then we went onto the pond and stayed till six. Frank invited me to go to the office but I was too tired. Phil has gone with him. It is time for them to be back. Papa has been drinking and is very cross.

Sunday, August 28, 1881

Papa has been drunk all day. Mama and Phil went out in the pines and I went to Abbie's, then we went out there and stayed until three. When we came home, we found Mr. Brown here. We were so glad, we could not have stayed had he not come for Papa was all ready for a row. I went over this morning and told Frank I could not go to church as I promised. I am going to sleep in the attic; I rather lie there for I knew I shall not rest any.

Monday, August 29, 1881

This morning all was calm. Mama and I did the usual amount of work and got dinner at noon. I think it is much easier. Mr. Brown is going to stay with us tonight. I wanted to go to the office, but Philly and Willie Wells went up and Papa wouldn't let me go. They brought news of the President's improving.

Tuesday, August 30, 1881

Nothing in particular happened and I don't feel in the mood for writing. Papa has been to Nathan's this afternoon and has been drinking a little when he came home but I guess he will be all right. Mr. Brown and I went to the office, then I went to Abbie's. Papa had just called there for Nathan but he was gone.

Wednesday, August 31, 1881

Mama was not at all well and I had all the work to do; she looks dreadfully. I must wake up in the morning and get breakfast. Phil and I went over to the Griffin's to get her to cut a skirt. Coming home, poor little Phil said she felt sick and after we had been home a while she had an attack of nausea, but she's better now. Frank came over and asked me to go to the office and I had a lovely ride; it is very warm now at nine o'clock.

Thursday, September 1, 1881

This has been a strange day. Papa has been as cross as a bear. About ten o'clock he went off with Charley to have him shod, where he went afterwards we don't know, but he came home to dinner at three, bathed, harnessed Charley and was off again. He went some where and got cider and came home as ugly as the old fellow himself about half past seven. Walter and Hattie had just got here and he came and discussed secrecy with them. After that he and Mr. Brown ate their suppers.

Friday, September 2, 1881

This morning the rain came down and it was a welcome sight after the hot weather. Papa has been ugly all day and tonight there was a "row". He wouldn't treat Mr. B~ decently because Mama told him he was going to stay or somebody else must come. He twitted about Mama's vice and all the other stuff the generally sprouts off. Nathan is here tonight and I expect they will have a talk about all their family troubles. Mr. Brown stayed in spite of Papa's trying to get him off.

Saturday, September 3, 1881

Mr. Brown left us this morning. Uncle Henry came down this afternoon and he had a long talk with Papa. I know some things he told Uncle H~; one was that he had not been up a night after nine o'clock for two months. How many more lies he told, I don't know. He is drinking tonight. Nathan must have brought him cider for he has none and Phil saw Nathan coming from the sink room with two bottles. It can not be long now. I hope it will soon be over. I have got so I tremble when I see the man coming.

Sunday, September 4, 1881

This morning just before breakfast I heard a know at the door, and wondered who could be there. When I opened the door, lo and behold, Frank was there, and came over to ask me to accompany him to church, but that was out of the question. So he asked me to ride in the p.m.
Papa came through just as he asked me. This p.m. about four we started and F~ drove to Pine ground, I haven't been there since I was a little girl. We had a very pleasant drive, but it commence to rain before we got home and we had a good laugh.

Monday, September 5, 1881

Mrs. Wells came this morning to wash but it was so rainy we could not put out the clothes. Papa came home from some where this noon half drunk. This afternoon he went off and came home at quarter past eight with Willie Wells with him. He said he had to protect him because he is afraid of females. He was ugly but did not say very much to us, kept saying she has got Croven(?) off and I'm glad he would not have the doors shut so we could sleep and we took our things and came to Abbie's where we are going to stay tonight.

Tuesday, September 6, 1881

Came home about nine o'clock this morning. Papa was pretty cross but got quite pleasant before dinner time. This has been a very strange day, dark and everything has a yellow hue. About noon I was really frightened, it grew so dark and so very yellow, it might be called the yellow day. This evening I came up to Mrs. Cottrell's with Mr. Wallace and shall stay a day or two. It is beautiful here and as I sit by the window, I can hear the rushing of the river and all else is silent. I would like always to stay here. Mrs. C~ is so pleasant, too, and Mr. C~.

Wednesday, September 7, 1881

Another day has past and I am still at Mrs. Cottrell's and having a delightful time. Tonight about tea time, Papa drove by Bertha and I went for the cow and he went home while we were gone. He asked Mr. C~ if I was here and he told him I was and asked him if he would like to see me, he said no, he didn't care any thing about it and went off. Uncle Henry was here but had not been home since morning and didn't know if Mama was on the hill or not. Mr. C~ and I went to the Drs. and spent the evening with Mrs. French, she has a very good piano and I really enjoyed myself. The Pres. is at L.B. so the paper says. A letter from Flossie tonight telling all about the Jefferson's fun. I can't think who sent me the paper.

Thursday, September 8, 1881

This morning helped Mrs. C~ with her work and at half past nine went up stairs to make my bed. I was so sleepy, I lay down and slept soundly until half past eleven. Then I ran up to Mrs. L~ to try on my dress and on the way, met Mr. Lawrence and Mary and they said Papa drank some yesterday and had a quarrel with Nathan. Mr. Wallace called at the office about noon and opened the letter which was for Mamma. I read it and sent it to her by Mr. Sanders. Just as Bertha and I started for the cows, Hattie and Walter drove up. She was on her way to Gilmanton to teach and told me to come on the hill, that Mama was here. So when Walter came back, I rode up with him and I am wanted here for a day or two.

Friday, September 9, 1881

I really got up to breakfast this morning and have had no nap today. Have finished Mr. B~'s shirt and would like to begin another but can't tell whether it will fit or not. It is perfectly lovely up here and everything is so pleasant. Aunt Eunice is just lovely. It is lonely to have Hattie away. Mama told me last evening that the papers for a divorce had been served and Papa was raving, I do dread the thing so. I hope he won't make a great fuss. Grandma is coming next week. I am afraid she won't come when she knows. I wonder what Papa is doing now and if he feels badly or angry, but I suppose I shall never know. He thinks I am "so hostile" to him, he treats his best friends the worst.

Saturday, September 10, 1881

This morning was chilly and rainy, neither Mama nor I woke up in time for breakfast. I finished Mama's sack for her. She and Phil went home about half past four, but I stayed here on the hill. I dreaded to have her go home alone, but she thought it better for me to stay a day or two longer. Uncle Henry did not come, but Aunt E~ got a letter from him saying to send Walter to Buck Street, and he is on his way now. Walter said Papa came to the door, spoke to Phil, and went back singing so I suppose he is cross.

Sunday, September 11, 1881

This morning I as up to breakfast at six. I didn't feel well so after the work was done I went to my room and slept till noon, and felt much better. Uncle Henry reached home between ten and eleven. This p.m. I felt miserable and tonight I feel very nervous. I can not go home tomorrow night. I hope Mama will not feel badly. I have been reading Ora and enjoy it very much although some of the characters are far above any being I ever met or heard of and too good to live in this world.

Monday, September 12, 1881

I was up to breakfast this morning but did not feel able to hold my head up. After the dishes were done and the beds made, I came to my room and went to bed where I stayed until they called me to dinner. This p.m. I felt some better and wrote a letter to Mr. Huntington telling him something of our situation. At the supper table Walter said Albert Sander's and his brother were coming down tonight, so we got ready for them. Albert came alone and we had a nice little musical and said they would come down and see me sometime and have a play.

Tuesday, September 13, 1881

This morning I felt miserably and did not get up until after eight. Aunt Eunice called me but I did not hear her. I have had a sick headache all day and feel about sick tonight. Walter brought me down and went for Abbie. We had a card from Aunt M~ saying she was coming tomorrow night and one from Grandma saying she is coming Thursday. So we sent word for them to meet her on the hill and take her home. When I got home I found Papa had gone away; he has just got home and is half drunk. He came and knocked on my door and was very cross when he saw me. Oh how I long for rest. I tremble so I can hardly write.

Wednesday, September 14, 1881

Mrs. Wells came to wash today and such a muss as she does make everything in the house seem turned upside down. Willie W~ was here to help Papa, and so he went to the depot to meet Aunt Martha but came back without her but brought a card saying she will be here Friday noon if pleasant. Grandma is coming tomorrow, how glad I am. This p.m. I took a note to school to Alice S~ to take on the hill saying we would meet Aunt M~, and called on Ella Cilley, Mrs. C~, Mrs. S~ and Wallace. Am very tired tonight. Today Kit would have been nineteen, but I am glad she is out of the trouble.

Thursday, September 15, 1881

This morning I got up quite early and went to the store with Papa and walked home, he went on to Concord to meet Grandma. I have been busy all day and have got things in very good order. Although it is nearly ten, Papa has not come and I fear Grandma is not coming. I can't imagine what makes him so late. I am afraid he is drunk but I hope not. Phil is sick with a cold and has been home all day. I made her some candy this morning and she was delighted.

Friday, September 16, 1881

Last night Papa came home at eleven and was so drunk he didn't know enough to open the door but stood rapping at the door. I went to the window and told him the door was open. When I asked if Grandma came he didn't seem to comprehend my meaning. I had to ask him three times. Aunt M~ came this noon and Aunt Eunice, Aunt Ann and Mrs. Dolerce came this p.m. A Mr. Pickain came today to serve papers on Mama for divorce. I met him on the hill and he asked for Mr. Lawrence. He was a horrid looking man. I do dread the affair so, I do wish it was over.

Saturday, September 17, 1881

Tonight I am in one of my lazy moods and feel like sitting alone and perfectly quiet. I did not want to talk so came up to my own room and have been answering Fred's letter of the 15th. Aunt M~ and I went on the hill this a.m. and to the office to get her trunk. We have no word from Grandma as yet and I am afraid she will not come. I am glad tomorrow is Sunday so I can rest for I have been about sick all this week. Aunt M~ talks, talks, talks, with no "let-up", I do get so tired.

Sunday, September 18, 1881

This morning everything went wrong and did not get straightened until this p.m. I went down to see Abbie and this p.m. Aunt M~, Mama, and myself went to the cemetery. I never was in such a dismal place in my life. It is too bad they don't keep it in better order, it is such a pretty location. It is really hard to get round, the weeds are so thick. This evening I wrote to Fred and Flossie Converse and asked her to help me about getting scholars.

Monday, September 19, 1881

This morning I washed the skirt Grace gave me and it loos beautifully. I also washed a shawl Aunt M~ gave me for doing so. This p.m. I was very tried and to rest. Papa went to meet Grandma and brought her home. It seems so good to see her again.

Tuesday, September 20, 1881

I really feel so lost with so little to do for Grandma takes my work right away from me. I think I shall try to practice a little. I have decided to go to C~ next week. Shall once be on Dana St. but it will be so different. I shall be glad to be there and if I can get scholars would rather be there than anywhere. Things begin to look a little brighter and I hope will come out right in the end. I have a lovely letter from Mr. Huntinton tonight. Mama seems quite well and brighter than she has for some time.

Wednesday, September 21, 1881

Mama nor I, either of us, got up very early this morning for we were both about sick with colds. Mr. Garfield's death seems very sad and I feel so sad for his family. Grandma has been talking about our affairs and she rather sides with Papa with all his deviltry and lying, she believes every word he says but I think she may find him out one of these days. We did not get the mail tonight and don't know whether there is any or not.

Thursday, September 22, 1881

A letter from C~ this morning saying Mr. C~ is in Cincinnati will be home the 27 - so that prevents my going to Con. on Wed. Will try to go the last of the week. This afternoon went to Abbie's to have dress looped for Annie C~ as she is away. There is an account of the President's death and sickness paper. Everything is in mourning and the stores are draped. All Europe sympathizes and bells in London were tolled when he died. There never has been anything know(n) to equal the universal sorrowing. His poor family, how dreadfully they must suffer to loose such a son, husband, and father. God pity them and help them.

Friday, September 23, 1881

Nothing worth noting took place today. Aunt Eunice and Etta called down. Have been mending this p.m. Although it is but eight o'clock I have come upstairs to retire and I can hear Aunt M~, Grandma and Papa talking very earnestly about something.

Saturday, September 24, 1881

A rainy dreary dismal day. Papa took Aunt M~ on the hill and it really seems lonely without her, poor woman, can find no where to go. Have been very busy all day picking up my things. These days seem eternal. I am so nervous and restless, shall be glad when I get off although I may jump from the frying pan into the fire. This evening Phil and I had a few games of checkers. Then Papa and I played cards. Poor Papa, he has a dreadful toothache. I wish I could do something to ease it. I am so sleepy I can hardly tell what I am writing.

Sunday, September 25, 1881

Everything begins to look brighter, the sun begins to shine and I long to get away and begin work. Mr. Brown came down today and joined us at Mr. Wallace's on our way to the Tarlton Place. Grandma and Papa are having a conflab, he is very nervous tonight and feels cross but he has to keep it back. Tomorrow I must begin work and get ready to go away. Mama is real sick and can hardly sit up.

Monday, September 26, 1881

I guess I shall remember this day until the end of my life. This morning I washed out my clothes and was very tired. This evening Papa and Phil went to the office and brought a letter from Helen. I have run until I can hardly tell if I have any legs left or not. Papa is real cross and this morning was ugly as he could be, was hinting about some one's getting into the window last night. Thank God I shall soon be out of it.

Tuesday, September 27, 1881

Wednesday, September 28, 1881

I was so tired last night I could not write. I ironed all the morning, and helped Mrs. Wells about the washing and Grandma helped me color some things in the p.m. Went to pack a box and when I was through found Miss Veasy was waiting to see me. I was very glad to see her. Today I packed my trunk and went to Uncle Henrie's. Aunt Eunice gave me a pari of "slips" and Etta a glass of jelly. They rather discouraged my going but I must push ahead or I shall never get started in my thing. I am very tired tonight. Met Palmer on the hill tonight and I had his mail. I would have rather burned it than given it to him, but I had to give it.

Thursday, September 29, 1881

Today we had to cook for we were all out of everything. I made some gingerbread to take with me and Grandma made me a loaf of cake. I am going to make some bread. A letter from C~ tonight so we shall go to C~ on Saturday, also one from Dr. C~. Will stop there on my way. I do not feel so tired tonight for I had a good nap this p.m.

Friday, September 30, 1881

Today Mr. Brown and Papa went to C~ and tomorrow Mama and I shall have to go. We have been very busy today and I am very tired. Papa came home "straight" for the first time I can remember in a long time. Abbie spent a part of the p.m. with us. I am so tired I can not think and my... I will stop writing trash.

Saturday, October 1, 1881

To my great surprise this morning Papa (met) met at the foot of the stairs said he wanted me to go to Concord with him to see a lawyer about Green's bill. I made up my mind that the lawyers would get nothing else from me if they tried. It happened that we all went over together. Mr. Muggright was not in and Papa wanted me to go over early Mon. morn. and take the train from there. I don't want to go but if it is necessary, I will do it. I do detest going over there to be "jumped". Saw Mr. Albion today for the first time. He seems a very nice man and very kind.

Sunday, October 2, 1881

Can it be that this is the last day that I shall look on all these lovely old familiar scenes? Shall I never wander in the woods for wild flowers and more? I hate to go and feel that I shall never come back again and see Mama's welcome face again at the door but I must banish these thoughts and take courage remembering I am going out to face the world and fight it. Poor Papa seems very down-hearted; how strange that he should have brought all this sorrow on himself. How I shall turn back to these grand old hills and beautiful fields. I can not wish to stay, my life here has been too unhappy and I am glad to go away and care for myself and Mama. It will be lovely for her, but it will not be lonely. I hope before (long) she will be with me. I have said good-bye to the neighbors and take a farewell look through all the old familiar places.

Monday, October 3, 1881

Tuesday, October 4, 1881

Was so sick last night, I could not write. I reached ___ about noon, walked to the Drs., but had to hire a little boy to carry my bundle. I found there was a four o'clock train and Dr. drove me to the depot after showing me some of the town; and I waited an hour for the train and as it was late, and would be after dark before I reached B~, I went back and stayed. I was dreadfully sick and the Dr. had to give me medicine. This morning I started on the noon train, saw Mrs. Dermitt at L~ for a few minutes, met Florence in the (horse) car and went to dinner with her; then came to Dana St. They were all surprised to see me. Am very tired tonight.

Wednesday, October 5, 1881

The days are so full now I can not write all about them. I have been just as busy as busy could be since I came. Went down in the Port this morning and started a letter off to Mama. It was so cold I fairly shivered. Called on the O~'s this p.m. They seemed very glad to see me and urged me to stay for tea, but I could not. Helen was about sick. Mr. S~ was there; he is a fine looking man. I am awfully tired tonight.

Thursday, October 6, 1881

Have put my room in order as well as I can. Aunt L~ and I went to the Port and got the stove. I have been sitting in my room by the window and looking out over the fields and to Memorial Hall where I used to look six long years ago. Charlie has been fixing my shelf for me this evening. I am tired about to death. My stove came this evening, but could not be put up for want of funnel. How I would like to see Mama.

Friday, October 7, 1881

This afternoon I went in town and up to Mrs. Brownes but her daughter will not take lessons this winter. They were very kind and offered every assistance they could. Mama came in to tea and George Rolfe came in and spent the evening. He did not look natural; he has grown up so much. We had a nice time but I am very tired.

Saturday, October 8, 1881

This morning I felt very tired and not well, but I went in town to the recital and enjoyed it very much. When I got home I was so sick I had to lie down and thought I could not possibly go (to) Mrs. B~'s, but Aunt L~ said I had better go so I "spunked" up and went and had a lovely time. Amy Bullard and The Hoover were there - they were very pleasant and I had a lovely time. It is near midnight now and I feel about sick.

Sunday, October 9, 1881

I did not get up until nearly noon; I was so tired and sick. Loafed round all day, went down to see Mrs. O~'s. They seemed glad to see me. Mary was there and seemed as natural as ever. I am very sleepy and must go to bed. Wrote to Mama, how I wish she were here. I long to see her so much.

Monday, October 10, 1881

This morning I commenced work, practiced a little over an hour, helped Aunt Lizzie and then went to sewing. This p.m. Aunt L~ and I called on Mrs. Bradford and Miss Page. We had a very nice time. This evening we got supper, then I practiced duets with Helen. I am tired tonight and miss Mama so much. I do wish she were here. Aunt L~ is kind and good to me but she can not be Mama. I answered an advertisement today but I don't know as it will amount to anything.

Tuesday, October 11, 1881

Mrs. Hughes has been here to spend the day and she is lovely. I went downtown for Aunt L~ and got back just in time for dinner. Charley and Helen have been to call on Mama and say good-bye. Today Helen Olmstead became Mrs. Swain and a lovely day they had for the wedding. I do hope she will be happy for she is a lovely girl. It seems so strange to have H~ ( ) it gone. I miss her more here than anywhere. I would give anything if I were with her. I have not heard from Mama and I don't understand it.

Wednesday, October 12, 1881

Today I have been all over Boston to find employment and the only thing I can find is to make macramé lace and I am strongly inclined to do it although it is poor pay, but everything is, and I must do something. I came from B~. I went straight to Mrs. M~'s to bid Maud good-bye and there I saw Mr. Breed and Miss Lowhead. Then I ran down to see Augusta and met Lizzie Walling and Helen Reed there. I had bread to make and a sick headache tonight. Aunt L~ has come to the T~. ________(Laudelle?) has just come in.

Thursday, October 13, 1881

I expected Grace this morning but she did not come. Helped about the bread, practiced, etc. This p.m. made grape jelly and stained my hands all over. Had swe(e)t letter from Mama this morning. How I wish the dear woman was here. I miss her so much. Aunt L~ has gone to Mrs. Bigelows this evening and I have the supper to look after. Have not been out today. I have been so busy there seemed no time.

Friday, October 14, 1881

What a busy day this has been, not one minute to spare. The bread had to be baked, some ironing done, the jelly made and everything else to do. The men came to remove Mr. James' furniture and my room had to be turned upside down. Charlie and I went to Mr. Bigelows for pears. Then he hung some pictures for me and tonight I am literally tired out. It is nearly eleven o'clock.

Saturday, October 15, 1881

This morning I woke up with a sick headache and I did not get up till late. I fussed around just as lazy as I could then I took some medicine and lay down for a while - after that I felt better and cooked a little. Aunt Lizzie and I went downtown and did some errands. I bathed and am going to bed for I feel very tired. I got Aunt L~ _______ for which I expect I shall have to spend twenty five cents.

Sunday, October 16, 1881

Willie and I went to church this morning - it really seemed good to go again, it is so long since I have been to my church. This afternoon Charlie and I went to walk and had a very nice one - in the evening Charlie Rolfe came in and stayed until eleven o'clock. Nearly he is a very bright boy, he has run off with my knife and wanted my little boat. Am very tired. Saw Sophie Rindge today and had a lovely talk with her.

Monday, October 17, 1881

I am so sleepy I can write nothing. This morning I sewed all the morning and practiced. This p.m. I went to the Sq. and got Aunt M~'s clock fixed. Sophie R~ called and I was glad to see her. She is the first of my old friends that has called. Saw Augusta, Mary and children go by on their way to the west. I thought she was going this morning so I did not go down. I am sorry she has gone. Had a nice long letter from Mama and wrote to her this evening.

Tuesday, October 18, 1881

Today has been a busy one. This morning I sewed and made cake for the evening as it is Charlie's birthday and we are to have a little surprise for him. This p.m. I went in town and ordered some cards printed and went to Jordan & Marsh but found nothing there. Got Charlie a tie for he has been very kind to me and I can do nothing for him. I took the cake out before it (was) done and spoiled the looks of the loaf and I got some cakes. When I got home L~ went to carry invitations to Warlings and C. Whittemore and when I got back from there, I had to go fast off to the Sq. for fruit, and got home just in time to eat.

Wednesday, October 19, 1881

Today has been more quiet. I sewed and practiced then helped Aunt L~ clear away the dinner. Just as I was getting a fire ready to light Flossie Penderse called. I was glad to see her, dear old girl. I wonder what they are doing at E~ tonight. I rather wish I were there. I would like to see Mama and Phil so much. but they must come soon, how glad I shall be. This p.m. I had a little rest instead of going out, but am very sleepy now and must go to bed. It was so late when I went last night. I ought to write to Mama but cannot tonight.

Thursday, October 20, 1881

Sewed this morning and went in town this p.m. and walked all over Boston to get work. Answered several advertisements but to no avail. Came home about half past five and found Aunt out to tea and Helen going out so I had Charlie's supper to get and the bread to make. Just as we finished tea the bell rang and someone inquired for Miss Steele. I had to have the bread and it was after ten when I got it made. George Converse called and was very pleasant and much improved.

Friday, October 21, 1881

This morning I did the work and practiced. Aunt L~ rested so to be fresh for this evening as she has gone to the theatre. This p.m. Helen and I started to call on Florence and met her just as we opened the door. Then I went to a Mrs. Billings to see about her daughter taking music, but she was taking of some one else: will do what she can to get me scholars. Charlie and I had a little frolic and I helped Lillie Fossenden with her music.

Saturday, October 22, 1881

We did not get up until pretty late, but we cleaned the two rooms then went to Mrs. Bigelows for pears. This p.m. I called on Florence Converse and ran down to see Mrs. O~ as Aunt L~ and H~ have gone to Mrs. Wallings. I wish Mama would come, I want to see her so much. I wonder what they are doing at E~ tonight. I would like to run in and spend Sunday but I don't want to stay there.

Sunday, October 23, 1881

Willie and I went to church this morning and heard a beautiful sermon. Helen and I took a little walk and I wrote to Mama -- dear soul, how I wish she were with me. This evening we all had a little music and talk in the parlor. Aunt L~ came home in the midst of it.

Monday, October 24, 1881

Have been through the same routine today. It has been rainy and dismal all day, so I could not go out. Saw an advertisement in the paper tonight for girls at Jordan's and Marsh's, I shall try for a situation there for the holidays. Aunt L~ said she would pay my rent this week, but she did not do it and I must do something for I have no money left and I can not send to Mama. Hope I shall hear from her tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 25, 1881

This morning I started in Boston to answer an advertisement for Jordan & Marsh and reached there only to find (a) hundred waiting situations. So I posted around the city in pursuit of labor and finely went in to a store and offered my services as clerk and to my surprise got the situation as cashier. Mr. Bigelow was very kind and was going to see if it is a suitable place for me. I really think that man is as near perfection as any mortal can be. I am so glad I have found something to do for I am out of money and I can not send to Mama. I shall get six $6 dollars a week. No letter from Mama. I wonder why she did not write.

Wednesday, October 26, 1881

Mr. Bigelow said he would write me if there was any reason I should not accept the position at Raymond's and as I have heard nothing I consider it all right to go. I shall be glad to be earning something. Called on Sophie Rindge, she thought I was doing just the (right) thing to go in to a store. I am tired and stupid tonight. Helen and I have been teaching Charlie to waltz.

Thursday, October 27, 1881

Aunt L~ and I swept the parlor. The bread did not rise and everything has been in confusion generally. I was so tired I had to lie down. Mr. Bigelow came when I was sound asleep and wanted to see me about Raymond's. He thinks I can go and try it and I am so glad. When I get fairly started I shall write Mama to come down. I shall be so glad to see her. Aunt L~ went to H___car. Mr. Riddle read and has not yet got home. Charlie went into the Rolfe's and the Fessenden's went out. So, Helen and I were all alone.

Friday, October 28, 1881

Today is my last of freedom and I realize(d) it this evening when I think I have to start off early in the morning. This p.m. Mr. Jones brought Aunt Lizzie four tickets to an entertainment where he was to read. We all went and enjoyed it very much. After we got home they all came up stairs and we had chocolate and cake and a good time generally. I am very tired and it is late.

Saturday, October 29, 1881

This morning I started off at half past seven. A part of the time and a very small part I was in the desk and the rest behind the counter. I got so tired at half past eight that I could not stay and Mr. Raymond said I could come home. I had to take a Main St. car and I literally ran from there home. Found a letter from Mama saying Aunt M` was coming to see me Sunday or Wed. I am so tired, I ache all over.

Sunday, October 30, 1881

This morning I gave up and stayed in bed until eleven. Loafed all day to feel fresh in the morning. Charlie went off this p.m. Wrote five letters and a postal. Tomorrow I start off again in my new work. I dread it very much but it will help Mama from working and relieve her of the anxiety of the experience. I wrote Aunt M~ to come Wed.

Monday, October 31, 1881

Went in to the store at eight. It has been a dull day and I did not get so tired. Went to dinner with Charlie, came home at six. Tomorrow (I) shall have to stay until nine. Sam Winslow came into the store today but I did not let him see me. I didn't want to see him. Tomorrow begins another month and it is Papa's birthday. I want to send him a handkerchief but I haven't a cent to spend. I will try to send it next week.

Tuesday, November 1, 1881

Wednesday, November 2, 1881

Thursday, November 3, 1881

Have been so tired the last two days I could not write. Tonight I came home early (and) unexpectedly found a letter from Mama saying she was not coming for two or three weeks. I wish she would come. I can not stand it to work so hard (and) long; I think she might hurry and come. I would write her tonight had I not got to fix my dress. Aunt L~ thinks I can wipe her dishes for her when I come home so tired I can hardly sit up and Helen will sit and read novels.

Friday, November 4, 1881

Saturday, November 5, 1881

Sunday, November 6, 1881

I am so tired nights I can not write. Last night I had to ask Mr. R~ to let me off early. Today I have been about sick all day and have done nothing but rest. Helen and I took short walk and I wrote to Mama. I do want to see her so much. When will she come? Last Friday I was so sick I had to come home.

Monday, November 7, 1881

Tuesday, November 8, 1881

Wednesday, November 9, 1881

Thursday, November 10, 1881

Friday, November 11, 1881

Saturday, November 12, 1881

Sunday, November 13, 1881

Another week is gone and I have neglected my good old diary. I must brace up and write now -- the days are very much alike one continual struggle to keep soul and body together. Mr. R~ took my place away as cashier and I am simply a clerk now. It is not as hard but I don't like it so well. I had a long talk with him and came to an understanding. Did not write Mama. I was tired and did not feel like writing and I know she will not care under the circumstances. Went to see Florence M~ and I had a lovely time. She was very kind and pleasant. (George Conor?) and Anna Rogers called this afternoon.

Monday, November 14, 1881

Started off to the store feeling rather blue but went to work and forgot all about it. This p.m. Aunt L~ came into the store, also Mrs. Kendall and Miss Eastman. Aunt L~ brought me a letter from Mama which I was glad to get. Came out in the cars with Miss Livingston. She is very pleasant. Nothing happen(s) from day to day. It is work, work, work, but when Saturday night comes and I get my six dollars I feel that it is not all for nothing. Mama's letter made me rather homesick. I long for the open fires and my pleasant little west room where so many pleasant days have been slept and dear little Phil, how I would like to see her.

Tuesday, November 15, 1881

Wednesday, November 16, 1881

Thursday, November 17, 1881

I am so tired I cannot write after my days work. Tonight I am more tired than usual and I had to go to call at the Wallings. Charlie went with me. I had a very pleasant call. Last evening Helen had four boys to call on her and I went down. They were very pleasant but too young for H~. Mr. Rogers is coming over some night next week to learn to play whist. Oh! Why doesn't Mama come? I am so lonely without her. I am afraid I can not stand it to work so hard very long. I begin to feel ill so soon.

Friday, November 18, 1881

Went to work as usual. Nothing unusual happened until this evening when Mr. Raymond came down with a lot of stockings and wanted me to help fix them, so I had to stay until quarter past seven. He was very pleasant. Came home at quarter before eight, ate my supper, got dressed and went to the musicale at half past which met at Miss Bullards. Had a very pleasant time and was not out late. Mr. Strong escorted me home, but I shouldn't know him if I should see him.

Saturday, November 19, 1881

I felt rather tired this morning and it rained hard. I left my umbrella at the store so I had none. It has been a dull day for business. Mr. R~ kept us arranging and rearranging our goods all day and got me to check the bill of goods that came in. Miss L~ could not pay me tonight. I am sorry for I owe Aunt L~ and Mrs. F~. Mr. Raymond told me to come home at half past nine so I came early.

Sunday, November 20, 1881

It was very late when I got up this morning. Aunt L~ did not go to Concord St. to dinner and surprised me by coming home about one. She and I spent the evening at the B~'s and I enjoyed it very much. Wrote to Mama and straightened out my room. It is very late and I must go to bed so to be fresh in the morning for work again.

Monday, November 21, 1881

Another day of work is past and I am very tired. Things went all right at the store, but Mr. R~ was cross as could be, but very pleasant to me. Miss L~ payed me today and I have settled with Miss F~ and shall do what I can for Aunt L~. Aunt L~ and Charley had a fuss tonight. Charley was to blame but Aunt L~ thinks she does more work than any one else on earth. I wish she would try what I have to do and see if I about have to use my brains. I don't think she uses hers, only so much, she thinks altogether too much of herself.

Tuesday, November 22, 1881

Everything has been just as usual.

Wednesday, November 23, 1881

Work and no play all the time. This p.m. it began to snow and is still snowing. When I got home I found them all seated in my room round the fire. It looked very pleasant and was a great surprise also found Aunt L~ had received two bbls. of apples and a tub of butter from Epsom and that Ned Hooker had called. I was so surprised to see him. Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, three years ago we were all at home and it was the last time we can all be together. There will always be one dear one missing which mars all. Three years ago -- Oh how many sad changes have come in those short three years.

Thursday, November 24, 1881

Another Thanksgiving is past but I can never enjoy them as I used to when Kit was with us. I always think of the last one we spent at home, how little we thought that before the year was gone she would go to sleep to wake in a better clime. Oh, how I long to see her and tell her all my heartaches and troubles, nobody on earth has the same interest in me. Dear little Phil and Mama, I would like to have been with them today. Papa, I believe has no feeling, if he has he keeps it well to himself. Well, tomorrow I being drudgery again to keep soul and body together. We had a delightful time today at the Bryants. They are such lovely people and so beautiful to each other.

Friday, November 25, 1881

This morning work seemed harder than ever and I don't care how soon I leave for a better land. Had a letter from Mama saying she will come next week if able. I shall die if she doesn't come soon. A letter from Abbie. I am very tired and there is nothing new.

Saturday, November 26, 1881

Just as I was going to take the car, Ned Hooker came along and I had no time to speak to him. Tonight it was half past ten when I came home. There was no trade and I asked them if I could come. There were no letters. Paid Aunt L~ and Mrs. Fessenden. I hope to get my debts paid before long. I shall not feel right until I get settled.

Sunday, November 27, 1881

This morning I rose a little earlier than I generally do on Sundays. This p.m. Helen had company to dinner. She wanted Arthur to come but he could not. George came and we had a very pleasant time. I went down to see Mrs. Ulmsted and found her gone to the west, but I found Mrs. Pearson and Miss Sarah there

Monday, November 28, 1881

It does seem so hard to get up and start off on Monday morning but I must work or die. George Converse went in in the car with me but I was pretty cool to him and I guess he noticed it for he left me at the Sq., but if what Miss Fessenden says is true, I don't want to have anything to do with him. Charlie went down and got the cornices tonight. Aunt L~ is in one of her complaining moods tonight and Helen went on to the sofa until I did the dishes. I wish she had to work as I do for one week and see which has the hardest time.

Tuesday, November 29, 1881

I thought I should surely have a letter from Mama today, but there is none. I wonder why she did not write. Nothing to mention. It has been a dull day as far as business is concerned but a beautiful day for this season. Charley Rolfe is here but I am too tired to go down stairs.

Wednesday, November 30, 1881

I really feel too tired to write tonight but as it is the last day of the month, I must make an effort. Aunt L~ has had her cornices put up this evening and they look very prettyish. I don't know how much they will be, but I will let her settle with Mama. I did not hear today and I don't know when Mama will come. I wish she would hurry. I feel miserably tonight and I am afraid I will be sick tomorrow. One month more and this year of '81 will be over. The one in which I expected so much happiness and it has been full of sorrow and disappointment.

Thursday, December 1, 1881

This month has fairly commenced and it is a dismal day. Tonight I found a letter from Mama to Aunt L~ saying she is not coming this week. I don't believe she ever will come. I am just discouraged about it.

Friday, December 2, 1881

Although today has been pleasant it has been very quiet. I came home early and dressed for the musicale. We had a very pleasant time but the nicest time was after they had all gone and we had chocolate & apples. George Rolfe stayed until late -- I have left them in the parlor talking but I have to go off to work so I came to bed.

Saturday, December 3, 1881

Oh! Dear, I am home at last with a splitting headache, this day has been dreadful. Saturdays always are. I expected to be sick last night but as yet I am all right. It is so unusual that I don't understand it. The man came out and put up my cornice but the curtains were not fit to go up.

Sunday, December 4, 1881

Have been sick all day and felt very badly. Charley Rolfe spent the p.m. here and he made it very jolly as he always does. I feel too sick to write much.

Monday, December 5, 1881

Tuesday, December 6, 1881

Was so tired last night I did not write. I went strait to bed. Am very tired tonight and can write but little. Called on Flossie and Lily, but they were both out. A letter from Mama saying she will come this week but I am afraid she won't. She has been coming so many times but I do hope she will.

Wednesday, December 7, 1881

Thursday, December 8, 1881

Yesterday was a rainy dismal day and well for me it was for the store closed early. This morning I walked in(to) town and was very tired when I got there, but I had no money for tickets, and none to get dinner with. I fear Mama is not coming this week, in fact I know she is not.

Friday, December 9, 1881

Saturday, December 10, 1881\

Sunday, December 11, 1881

Today I have been sick all day. I got up and worked round a little but had to give up and go to bed. I have a fearful cold which has settled on my lungs and makes me sick. Last night it was half past eleven when I got home and I had to stand in the cold wind all evening. I feared it would make me sick and my fears were realized today. Mama did not come. I have given her up. I think she has forgotten me altogether. The Fessendens have been very kind to me today and so have they all.

Monday, December 12, 1881

Tuesday, December 13, 1881

Wednesday, December 14, 1881

Thursday, December 15, 1881

Friday, December 16, 1881

Saturday, December 17, 1881

Sunday, December 18, 1881

Since last Sunday so many things have happened I have no place to write them. Monday I came home from the store sick and did not go again till Friday. Mama came Tues. and no one knows how glad I was to see her. I was home three days but was too sick to enjoy anything. Friday I went back and had hard work to stay through the day, but did, then I found I had to stay until nine but told them I could not, so they let me off. Last night I got home at half past eleven. Today George Converse came for me to go to ride and Mama told me to go. He took me round through Bedford Malden and Charlestown. We had a lovely ride, but I found Mama tired when I got home and felt that I ought to have helped her. Another week and Christmas will be here but I have no money to make any presents.

Monday, December 19, 1881

Tuesday, December 20, 1881

Wednesday, December 21, 1881

Thursday, December 22, 1881

I have not written for a long time in my diary but the year is nearly gone and I must write every day. This year has been full of strange events and I know when I am older I shall be glad to look back and know what happened. Tonight Nellie had a candy pull and we had lots of fun. Johnny How and Mr. Strong and lots of people were here. I am awfully tired (to)night and have to be up early in the morning.

Friday, December 23, 1881

This morning I was awfully tired and sleepy but had to go to work as usual. About four thirty p.m. I felt as if I could not keep awake, so gave up the musicale and did not ask to come home. When I got home I found they were quite anxious I should go and Charley waited for me to dress. I'm so glad I went for we had a very nice time. George Rolfe came home with me. He is such a nice fellow and so kind in his feelings, and always a gentleman. I am tired again but tomorrow is my late morning.

Saturday, December 24, 1881(changed date to December 31, 1881)

Got through today very well. At half past ten Mr. R~ told me I could come home and so the old year goes out and tomorrow begins another. I wonder if it will be as strange as this has been. I am so tired tonight I could drop down and stay until morning. John Rolfe has not called and I don't see why for he has always called before. I wonder what Papa is doing all this time, poor man. I pity him, but he is not decent to me and I don't know why I should. Poor Mama is tired out being up waiting for me. Well this is the last time I shall write in this diary, so good-bye.

Sunday, December 25, 1881

Monday, December 26, 1881

Tuesday, December 27, 1881

Wednesday, December 28, 1881

Thursday December 29, 1881

Friday, December 30, 1881

Saturday, December 31, 1881